Mail Order Brides: A Disturbing Phenomenon In America

[SVMc]

I haven't read that one but I'll definately put it on my list. I started reading a lot about arranged marriage when I was in university and working as a bartender with a number of Sri Lankan men. Three of them were sent back to Sri Lanka to marry a bride that had been chosen for them by the families. All of those marriages are still together and their wives are wonderful, intelligent, beautiful women. None of them were in love at first, all of them will tell you that they love each other and their families now. Really makes you think.

[Mia]

Quote by: Milton Bradley In my experience, the men ordering mailorder brides are the ones tires of the ball busting, control freaks, and the women who only want to be lied too. Many, many women refuse to date anybody who doesn't lie to them continouisly. They insist that you pretend to be something you are not, or accept some minor flaws with the sure knowledge that they can change you over time. This seems to me a uniquely American phenomenon, and many of us just want no part in contemporary American dating culture. I have already lost all hope in meeting a Cacausian women that does not have the value set put fourth in daytime soaps, womens magazines, and romance novels. Think for yourself, try having an original thought, will you.

Russian women are not caucasion?

[Mia]

Quote by: tinybear "Each year, hundreds of Internet bride services recruit thousands of women—mostly from Eastern Europe, Southeast Asia and other economically depressed parts of the globe—to marry their American clients. Matchmaking Web sites feature glowing testimonials and pictures of smiling couples. The sites play off old stereotypes of foreign women as subservient, "traditional" wives." http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/6884657/site/newsweek/ Folks, the reason why "mail order brides" is a thriving business speaks volumes about American men and what insecure losers they are. They can't get anywhere or deal with American women so they look elsewhere for impoverished, subservient & so-called traditional brides from Third World countries so that they can bully/abuse them. Something is seriously wrong with our society. Where do you think we have gone wrong and how can we remedy the situation (if at all)?

I agree - or they can't GET a decent woman over here due to their standards, so they look for ones with less.

I bet, though, a lot of these guys get screwed. They pick the beautiful ones, who know their worth over here. They get their citizenship, and it's see-ya later.

[syracusa]

Great topic, I've always been fascinated by it.

Well - I am an Eastern European woman married to an America man, but I did not get to the US via mail order, I came through grad school, for a PhD degree.

I stayed because I met the most amazing man who often gives me the (probably wrong) impression that American men truly are the best men in the world. Truth is that just because I had the luck to meet someone like him does not mean that America lacks jerky males, I am sure

At the same time I must admit in all honesty that I had never met, seen, or even heard of a man like my American husband in my country.

That being said, I can testify - with the first-hand knowledge that I have - that those mail-order brides DO seek for an easy way to the US, first and foremost. Hence the phenomenon. Now the question is "why they want to get to the US in the first place".
Reasons probably range from better economic life and fewer perceived worries to husbands who hopefully will not treat them like crap, the way many EE and Russian men are bred to do.

The sad part comes when overly traditional American men with little to offer (and I don't mean financially) other than US citizenship, resort to these services in the hope that they will find the subservient yet blondy and gorgeous-as-heck wifey descirbed earlier by other posters.

Trust one EE chick who knows "stuff about stuff" in this area: EE women can be extremely shrewed, extremely catty and extremely manipulative with their men, all the while giving the impression of the traditional wife who knows "her place".
In reality, they are far from being your sweet and innocuous "Marylin Monroe" of the 1950's. EE women, traditional or not, have NEVER been the "American sweetheart" type.

I think that these traditional American men have a nostalgia for the old form of the American sweetheart (relatively brainless, sweet, harmless and beautiful as beautiful can get!); and they think that if they look hard enough they will find it in EE.

Nnnnot so much ---- to cite my beloved John Stuart

On the other hand, I must admit that there may be a grain of truth in what a poster said earlier, which is that EE women MAY have lower expectations in terms of a potential partner's "money making" abilities.

When I first met my husband I was just a down-and-out graduate student from Eastern Europe; at that time I tought that him having a car was an awsome thing in and of itself (granted I had none); but if you had asked me whether I cheked what kind of car he drove, I could not have told you for the life of me.

Later he told me how he was rejected a few times by some American women who, in their adorable frankness, told him flat out that he was just not making enough money for their taste.And we are talking about a very well-educated, absolutely gorgeous man (he has been told endless times that he looks very much like Pierce Brosnan ), who even then, had a nice, secure job. Yet the American chicks said "pass" because he couldn't exactly "step up to the plate" financially, at least not to the level THEY would have expected.

Which worked wonderfully for me because they let this treasure slip through their hands (due to greed and being spoilt, American style).

The same man today drives a Mercedes and lives in a really beautiful place (and I happen to benefit from this too); and we are doing just fine. Eve more so, we recently found out that he will inherit quite a bit when his mom passes. Ironically.

But when I made my choice, I never had financial considerations in mind maybe because I started so low, EE level. I was just glad he was not as broke as I was and that someone could come pick me up in a car when we would go out.

Oh, well.

But don't count on it because standards and expectations are being leveled off eveywhere in the world. At least I know that EE is catching up with the west in materialistic aspirations with the speed of light!!

So watch THOSE chicks catching up in materialism with their American sisters, especially if they can bargain for it with some really gorgeous blond locks or something along those lines.

You know...that reminds me of a saying in my country: "you can't have both the dick up your A*** AND the soul in Heaven".

Same with the "gorgeous, non-materialistic, in-her-place sweetheart".

So pick your battles carefully.

[Mia]

Quote by: ericsp23 I don't know the statitistics, but I would imagine that there are many more women looking for American husbands than American men looking for foriegn brides.

Judging by the number of ad-sites for it, I bet you are right. But how many of these women are involved against their will, I wonder? The sex-slave is alive and flourishing in Europe.

[OberonDOtherseid]

They are looking for the lifestyle of the western woman. At first to have even the most modest of advantages of freedom, freedom of speech, dress, career choice...etc.... is like candy to a child. Once they live here long enough, they realize that they came here for independance, not for a man. Then the rat-race is on. Many times they disappear, just leave their husbands or they take them to the cleaners.

Any man who is 55, greying, beer bellied and can't see his feet when he stands up...marries a beautiful 27 year old brown skinned woman with the world by the ass when she hits American soil with a permanent visa VIA mail order campanionship is asking for all the shit he gets. IMHO.

[syracusa]

Quote by: OberonDOtherseid They are looking for the lifestyle of the western woman. IMHO.

If you mean the MATERIAL lifestyle of the ww - maybe some of them are indeed looking for this; but some are also looking to live in a culture where women do not need to become doormats at the feet of worthless men just to stand a chance to find a partner and not risk the nasty "spinster" label.

Eastern European and Russian men are not exactly known for their "chivalrous" and "good husband" qualities. Men over there have been raised for centuries to think of themselves as little kings who are valuable in and of themselves - not for how they behave as human beings, not for what they do or contribute to their families... but for the simple fact that they have something dangling in front of their pelvis.
They are primarily taught to claim privileges not to assume responsibilities.


Sorry to put it so bluntly but I know way too many women over there who, despite an endless list of assets (including pretty, educated, dedicated, hard-working, good cooks, good moms AND with some "dough" inherited from parents) make downright pathetic alliances with guys who have neither "dough" nor job, nor intention to get one, are very rude and raw, treat women in general like crap, some also look like crap (if we are to get into appearance-related frivolities); some are even burdens (drink, are lazy etc) and overall have very little to offer.

But it all boils down to supply and demand; this is what the male dating market has to offer and if you get too "picky" as a woman and expect "too much" - you are very likely to be left "UNWANTED" and have the soul gossiped out of you for your "spinster" status.

Yet men DO expect women to be ALL OF THE ABOVE and then SOME because they are raised with the idea that MEN, regardless of who they are, deserve all of those things from a woman if she is to be even taken into consideration!
Plus they always have the upper hand in the dating market becausef if they remain "bachelors" it is not even by far as painful as if you remain a "spinster".

So let's see who lowers the standards for whom!

It is the reason why I thank God for my American husband every day.
If by the "lifestyle of the western woman" you mean the chance to have a husband that actually has something to offer in return - then yeah, that's what I looked for when I came here: the lifestyle of the western woman.

And yes, even though I appreciate the freedom and the dignity that women in the US are allowed, I have absolutely no intention to "take my husband to the cleaner's" or to leave him. Granted, he's neither bald, nor fat, nor any of those things - but I am 100% sure we'll grow old together. We are expecting our first child and couldn't be happier.

I know I would have never reached this stage in Eastern Europe because the blatant imbalance of power between sexes and the extent to which society (both men and women) tolerate this status-quo over there is absolutely disturbing.

Even if that may sound like "paradise for men" in general, trust me...you would not want the US to be like that. It's pathetic!

[DoloresIbarruri]

Quote by: Milton Bradley In my experience, the men ordering mailorder brides are the ones tires of the ball busting, control freaks, and the women who only want to be lied too. Many, many women refuse to date anybody who doesn't lie to them continouisly. They insist that you pretend to be something you are not, or accept some minor flaws with the sure knowledge that they can change you over time. This seems to me a uniquely American phenomenon, and many of us just want no part in contemporary American dating culture. I have already lost all hope in meeting a Cacausian women that does not have the value set put fourth in daytime soaps, womens magazines, and romance novels. Think for yourself, try having an original thought, will you.

I have several views on this.

First, women are not the only ones affected by their society. Men are also affected by TV, magazines, novels, advertisements, porn, and all things in our society. Men's magazines, for example, show air brushed, anorexic, half-nude 18 yr old models (and completely nude ones). The rest of society isn’t much better. Based on these messages, men expect to marry a perfect woman, in looks, in youth, in everything, yet women are not complaining, or going outside the country to find a man.

Second, do men not ball-bust women? A lot certainly do. Ball-busting women is not erased simply because men might open doors for women. I open doors for people too; for both genders. Men just as easily make a woman feel that her work is not as good as his, or her performance not as good as his, or her opinions not as worthy as his, or her looks not as perfect as those in the air-brushed woman on the cover of the magazine on the coffee table.

As for control freaks. I've divorced 4 times. All were control freaks. All thought that because I'm physically short and small, that I was some sort of barbie whose arms could be moved here and there, and made to do what they wished. Turned out I wasn't a barbie after all. I was just an ordinary human being.

I wasn't born here in the U.S., but I have to say that from what I’ve seen, American women are awesome, savvy, not afraid of a good day's work and still do the housekeeping and nearly all the childrearing in families, beautiful, friendly, down to earth, great friends, and they make great wives. American men LOVE American women. Those American men who are forced to look for a wife outside of the U.S. are in such a minority as to be considered negligible, and they're usually looking for a submissive style of female, which is their own personal preference. Some men are into feet.

In any case, finding a wife from another country is nothing that the majority of American men would be interested in.

[syracusa]

I agree with Dolores' post above.

So many American men have made it one of their favorite sports to vilify American women and to glorify the "in-their-place" women from other parts of the world, without realizing that if there's anything "American" to criticize, it will be BOTH women and men!!!
(materialism, rampant individualism, easy way to divorce, selfishness, superficiality, etc - it takes two to get into a mess, KWIM?).

And those "in-their-place", "traditional" women they think they see outside the borders are most of the times human beings deprived of their dignity by an androcentric, mysoginistic culture who gives them constant grief throughout their lives and few reasons to be happy, secure human beings.

Just because they look like they "play the part" and are "just fine with it" does not mean they are happy. Have any idea how many Eastern European women who are an actual size 2 are terrified of being fat? Or of being perceived by men as "fat"? (and God Forbid, rremain unmarried?) How many lose sleep over an ounce of cellulite on their thighs?

I will take a plumpy, secure and glowing American woman anyday over those poor miserable souls scared to death of the masculine gaze!
Many American women have learnt how to show the middle finger to all those air-brushed magazines and I adore them for this!

I don't think Eastern Europeam women will ever learn something like this - but they will continue to live in terror of being "fat" when they wear a size 2.

Is this the kind of woman you, American men fed up with American women, would like to build a life with?

[tripimollee]

Quote by: Milton Bradley In my experience, the men ordering mailorder brides are the ones tires of the ball busting, control freaks, and the women who only want to be lied too. Many, many women refuse to date anybody who doesn't lie to them continouisly. They insist that you pretend to be something you are not, or accept some minor flaws with the sure knowledge that they can change you over time. This seems to me a uniquely American phenomenon, and many of us just want no part in contemporary American dating culture. I have already lost all hope in meeting a Cacausian women that does not have the value set put fourth in daytime soaps, womens magazines, and romance novels. Think for yourself, try having an original thought, will you.

Oh my god, I can NOT believe you made such an irrational, generalized statement about caucasian women. I don't know what kind of women YOU hang around, but as one that goes to a WOMENS COLLEGE I see intelligent young women working to succeed in a world dominated by chauvinistic minded males such as yourself. No one I know would enjoy being in a relationship that was all lies; many have actually quit relationships for that same reason. "daytime soaps, womens magazines, and romance novels" are illusory and often derogatory, as well as ridiculous, I will concede that much- but again, very few women I know actually enjoy that sort of thing, and certainly none of them have the value set promoted in that trash. It seems that you have not had a good time dating American women- that's too bad, and I feel sorry for you. Perhaps you would do best with a mail order bride, it seems like the only option you'll ever have with an attitude like that. Though I pity the poor woman who gets stuck with you.

[moustache]

lol, way to stick it to the man.

i am not old enough to get married just yet, but when i do i hope to god that i marry a girl for her brains rather than her looks. i would rather marry a girl who is pretty and smart, and that i can hold a intuitive conversation with, rather than someone like jessica simpson who is gorgeous but, as we see so often on the television who has no brains whatsoever.

[syracusa]

Quote by: moustache I would rather marry a girl who is pretty and smart, and that i can hold a intuitive conversation with, rather than someone like jessica simpson who is gorgeous but, as we see so often on the television who has no brains whatsoever.

Footnote:
That's what's so amazing about "beauty". That it is in "the eye of the beholder"!
Jessice Simpson =gorgeous?
I am having a hard time seeing this but maybe because my brain is not conditioned to recognize beauty in a stupid looking face.

There are "Patricia Arquette" type blonds and then there are "Brittney and Jessica" type blonds. I don't know why I have never been able to see "beauty" in the latter type. The ditziness nulifies the impact of any symetrical features or long legs they may have. I just can't appreciate those marketable physcial features becasue of the ditzziness on their faces.

But this was off topic.

[DoloresIbarruri]

Syracusa, Oberon, Trip, Moustache and all those others who think American women rock.... thanks! :)

[moustache]

lol your welcome i guess,
i just meant gorgeous in the physical aspect, but i woud never consider dating anybody that "ditsy" as you said. its sad that people can have reltaionships with people that are just that stupid.

[Milton Bradley]

Quote by: tripimollee Oh my god, I can NOT believe you made such an irrational, generalized statement about caucasian women. I don't know what kind of women YOU hang around, but as one that goes to a WOMENS COLLEGE I see intelligent young women working to succeed in a world dominated by chauvinistic minded males such as yourself. No one I know would enjoy being in a relationship that was all lies; many have actually quit relationships for that same reason. "daytime soaps, womens magazines, and romance novels" are illusory and often derogatory, as well as ridiculous, I will concede that much- but again, very few women I know actually enjoy that sort of thing, and certainly none of them have the value set promoted in that trash. It seems that you have not had a good time dating American women- that's too bad, and I feel sorry for you. Perhaps you would do best with a mail order bride, it seems like the only option you'll ever have with an attitude like that. Though I pity the poor woman who gets stuck with you.

First off, I did make a sweeping generalization in that post, but in my experience, (which is all I can speak about) my statements are true.


Second, I don't hang around with ANY women because I don't personally know any whom are intellectually honest enough to stop with the head games.


Thirdly, I do not advocate, or practice made to order Mailorder Brides, but I have seen such things in my life. I was only offering my opinion on these matters.


Thank you for your undue concern for any future improper actions I may take against a person who does not exists.

[tripimollee]

Quote by: Milton Bradley First off, I did make a sweeping generalization in that post, but in my experience, (which is all I can speak about) my statements are true. Second, I don't hang around with ANY women because I don't personally know any whom are intellectually honest enough to stop with the head games. Thirdly, I do not advocate, or practice made to order Mailorder Brides, but I have seen such things in my life. I was only offering my opinion on these matters. Thank you for your undue concern for any future improper actions I may take against a person who does not exists.

well, if you don't hang around with any women what right do you have to go making false statements about us? And you have to have realized that your experience does not parallel that of the majority's experience, and that you would get blasted for it.

[DoloresIbarruri]

Quote by: Milton Bradley First off, I did make a sweeping generalization in that post, but in my experience, (which is all I can speak about) my statements are true. Second, I don't hang around with ANY women because I don't personally know any whom are intellectually honest enough to stop with the head games. Thirdly, I do not advocate, or practice made to order Mailorder Brides, but I have seen such things in my life. I was only offering my opinion on these matters. Thank you for your undue concern for any future improper actions I may take against a person who does not exists.

Okay, I've gone thru my memory bank and finally give up. What head games are you talking about? I've tried to come up with even one and can think of none. Please provide 1 or 2 that you feel are cause for men seeking brides outside of the U.S.

[Milton Bradley]

Quote by: tripimollee well, if you don't hang around with any women what right do you have to go making false statements about us? And you have to have realized that your experience does not parallel that of the majority's experience, and that you would get blasted for it.

Let me correct myself. I am not "currently" spending time with any females.

[Milton Bradley]

Quote by: DoloresIbarruri Okay, I've gone thru my memory bank and finally give up. What head games are you talking about? I've tried to come up with even one and can think of none. Please provide 1 or 2 that you feel are cause for men seeking brides outside of the U.S.

Lets start with the simplest, most basic premise.


Women constantly state that men refuse to communicate. Yet in my own experience, I cannot even find a women who speaks the English language. I have yet to meet a woman who will say what she really means, or means what she says, or even uses common word definitions at times. Its always some cryptic word game that I am expected to "figure out".


How can any man be expected to base a relationship on communication when every word uttered by the woman is a secret code that needs to be deciphered?


Simple psychological warfare. However I'm sure they operating under the assumption that I, as a man, wanted a "mysterious woman". :(

[syracusa]

Quote by: Milton Bradley Yet in my own experience, I cannot even find a women who speaks the English language. I have yet to meet a woman who will say what she really means, or means what she says, or even uses common word definitions at times. Its always some cryptic word game that I am expected to "figure out". How can any man be expected to base a relationship on communication when every word uttered by the woman is a secret code that needs to be deciphered? Simple psychological warfare. However I'm sure they operating under the assumption that I, as a man, wanted a "mysterious woman". :(

You are simply spitting out stereotypes from magazines like Maxim.
You are not much above those women whose beliefs and behavior rest exclusively on Cosmo readings. This is why you always seem to encounter those.

Any action has a reaction in kind...