"Neo-Eco Crisis Looms"

[Autolykos]

New Eco-Crisis Looms by Vin Suprynowicz

One recent study by a Virginia Tech team found that humans are responsible for 24 percent of the bacteria in the Anacostia River and 16 percent of the Potomac’s, whether the source is a broken septic tank or the District of Columbia’s large sewage overflows during heavy rains. Domestic livestock were responsible for 10 percent of the Potomac’s bacteria. But in the Potomac and the Anacostia, the government has learned, more than half of the bacteria in the streams comes from ... wild animals. And guess what? As manmade pollution is cleaned up, the percentage of the contaminants coming from deer and chipmunks ... goes up! "They’re pooping in the water," reveals Chuck Frederickson, an environmentalist identified by the Post as "keeper of the James River" in Virginia. "Do we want less bacteria in the water, or do we want geese around?"

This is a perfect example of how there are all too often no "solutions", only trade-offs.

- Rob

[Captain Chaos]

The government needs to organize a diaper-on-geese crusade. All wild animals must be trained to dig holes and poop in them, or be forced to wear diapers. Domestic animals too (starting with my dog, who peed on the floor this morning).

We could create a new organization for the purpose of encouraging animals and humans alike to control their excretions. We can call it People for Ethical Excretions (PEE) or People Opposed to Odorous Poop (POOP).

I'm tellin' ya man, all that damn pooping has gotta stop!

Get those animals some diapers!

Rob, will you volunteer for the ensuing diaper duty? I am about to get enough of that at home.

[brien]

Quote by: Captain Chaos The government needs to organize a diaper-on-geese crusade. All wild animals must be trained to dig holes and poop in them, or be forced to wear diapers. Domestic animals too (starting with my dog, who peed on the floor this morning). We could create a new organization for the purpose of encouraging animals and humans alike to control their excretions. We can call it People for Ethical Excretions (PEE) or People Opposed to Odorous Poop (POOP). I'm tellin' ya man, all that damn pooping has gotta stop! Get those animals some diapers! Rob, will you volunteer for the ensuing diaper duty? I am about to get enough of that at home.

Furthermore, we can create a whole new government bureacracy called the Department of Roving Entity Shit Scoopers(DRESS) and even have a Cabinet level head who reports directly to the President. These government employees will all have full benefits and a full time salary for 30 hours of work per entity. They have to be entities and not people because we can't hire more males than females because we must be gender neutral here.

The DRESS employees are all issued pooper scoopers and their job is to fan out across America and scoop up excrement. They will place it in the appropriate containers for proper burial with full honors. Now if they catch a recidivist animal in the act of hunching over depositing a steaming pile of smelly organic material, they will have the power to collar such animal and promptly turn it over to the proper authority for re-education at any one of the thousands of re - education camps across the nation. First time offenders will be subject to having a diaper placed on its ass, and everyone then is to move on.(.org)

We will have none of this shit going on around this nation!

[The Architect]

Quote By: Brien called the Department of Roving Entity Shit Scoopers(DRESS)

Thats a good idea.

[Compugasm]

Quote by: brien turn it over to the proper authority for re-education at any one of the thousands of re - education camps across the nation.

Hopefully, a PETA representative will be required company to ensure the well-being and safety of these innocent animal bystanders.

Quote by: brien 30 hours of work per entity

I belive "entity" crosses the boundry between church and state, and might be offensive to atheists who do not belive in entities, spirits, or other supernatural phenomenon. The proper gender neutral term should be "resource(s)".

Quote by: brien We will have none of this shit going on around this nation!

This sounds like a lot of diapers, and the diaper manufacturing process is highly toxic. To circumvent EPA regulations, consideration should be given to outsourcing to China. Having overseas factories making comfortable animal diapers, will also provide meaningful jobs.

[Fonceai]

I think the best thing for POOP and PEE would be a subdivision that makes sure the diapered animals are treated with care; the Society for Human Intestinal Transitions (SHIT).

They should also be sure to involve the Women Intervening in Propogated Excrement (WIPE). WIPE should always follow POOP, PEE, and SHIT to make sure the goose poop isn't stolen or otherwise confiscated.

In fact, a uniting of Brothers United for Toilet Training of Helpless Ornithe Lake Entities (BUTTHOLE) will ensure that the birds isolated to lakes are included with the birds defecating in rivers.

[Captain Chaos]

heh...

That was the best so far!

I am laughing

[Fonceai]

Why are you laughing?

I'm very serious.

BUTTHOLE and POOP and PEE should all work together to solve the problem, and WIPE should follow them to make sure everything is cleaned up and proper.

<grin>

[Matt W]

*sighs* Anyone want to actually address the topic? :rolleyes:

[Fonceai]

Seriously, then...

This whole thing is exactly what happens with all aspects of nature.

Mankind dominated the planet, but did so in a way that so drastically upset the balance of nature, that it actually reset the balance.

The river is a prime example. We so uber-f*cked it that now nature is finding a way to maintain some degree of pollution in the rivers.

We created gaps in ecological systems or expanded niches in order to fit our own desires, and now that we're realizing that it was a bad idea, nature can't fill the gaps we created or compensate for the expanded niches.