Dark Bible

[orgaelin]

For the delight of Christian folk here present, I have decided to give you a link to the Dark Bible

It is a marvellous collection of quotes from the bible, the bits your priest never tells you to read! Anyone for incest, rape, murder, etc.?

Anyone who visits, post your favourites (the worst you can find) here for those of us who just can't be bothered to read it all!

[FC Mellon]

Don't forget to remind them to bring their 'flashdark' so they can see places they have never been before.. ]?}

[orgaelin]

Good idea! By the way Mr Melon... can we quit fighting here? It's just, I don't wanna keep finding every first reply to any of my posts is a counter-strike from you! How about it?

[FC Mellon]

Orgaelin 'My Friend'...'Great Idea'!!...I too don't enjoy fighting...and I really do enjoy reading your posts....and I enjoy learning from others such as yourself...Thank You!!
Your Friend FC 8?)

[amadeus]

This is pretty interesting. I've never thought of the bible that way. It seems like a pretty good resource to pop on people who quote from the bible all the time.

[orgaelin]

</span><blockquote><span class="smallfont">Quote:</span><hr size="1" />Originally Posted by (FC Mellon,)
Orgaelin 'My Friend'...'Great Idea'!!...I too don't enjoy fighting...and I really do enjoy reading your posts....and I enjoy learning from others such as yourself...Thank You!!
Your Friend FC 8?)<hr size="1" /></blockquote><span class='postcolor'>

I really didn't expect you to say that!

Kewl

[orgaelin]

Amadeus... I agree that it's good for shutting them up! A local Jehova's Witness was harrassing me even as I stood in line at a fast food place a couple of weeks ago! She wont bother me again though!

There's loads of little quotes, like the one where Jesus says that you're not going to Heaven unless you hate you mother, father, brothers, sisters, etc.

Christians believe that the bible is the inspired word of God and contains no mistakes or innacuracies, and so by their own beliefs they have to accept that 99% of them ARE going to Hell! Just because they don't hate their families!

The big book even tells them to give up their wordly goods (even sell their clothes for swords if they have to) and that if they don't, a camel is more likely to fit through they eye of a needle than they are to fit into Heaven!

Put plainly: the bible says that about ten people on the planet may be good enough to go to Heaven. The rest are going to burn... not just for a while, but for forever, in lakes of fire and brimstone. What a nice God he is to do this to his children!

If there is a God, he/it has nothing to do with the evil egotistical genocidal maniac in the bible.

I had roughly this conversation with the JW I mentioned. She didn't much approve.

[FC Mellon]

Orgaelin wrote: "Christians believe that the bible is the inspired word of God and contains no mistakes or innacuracies, and so by their own beliefs they have to accept that 99% of them ARE going to Hell! Just because they don't hate their families!"

I have read the Bible a few times...and each time I realized that what I thought the message I was getting actually was totally different each time I would read it. Imho opinion...the messages in the Bible have so many variations that one can glean whatever one needs to 'float their boat' depending on the time/place/depth of where they are 'rowing for their lives'...especially when a 'storm appears' to be 'on the horizon'. I look at the Bible as a 'pillow to soothe my doubts' whenever I have certain 'feelings of inadequacies' and 'hopelessness'..and 'it' allows me some 'hope/relief/time out' from all the 'downpours' which seem to never cease sometimes...but of course 'when I am up and feeling cocky' and 'nothing can touch me'...I entertain other books which reflect other things...whether they of are a 'dark nature' or not. ;?) At least in my mind...maybe 'there is something' to that old saying: "there are no atheists in foxholes" 8?{ ...especially when the bombs are falling all around someone. But..I have to admit...I love riding on the edge of things sometimes...and sometimes these edges are 'razor sharp' and I find myself praying .. 8?O.. I don't slip..only to find myself lying in many parts. ;?)
...aint temptation fun!...especially when one doesn't 'sink with their ways' when it come to navigating to other destinations with which others have warned them to stay away from. 'Strip Poker'....anyone?? ...hee hee...just a 'small gamble' in some people's minds...but 'others' may find themself 'losing everything they have' if they play the game too wrecklessly....don't forget to ask for a cut...ya never know when 'the dealer is the devil' when diving into the depths of your devious ways. }?}
'HELL' 'NO' 'I Won't GO' ...will I???.. 8?o

[Pooeypants]

I'm still waiting for a Christian to pass by and start claiming it's all quoted out of context. *rollseyes*

[orgaelin]

Don't worry pooeypants - it'll happen soon or later!

[chicagoastronomer]

The erraticity of the bible is proof enough that it was written with the dirty hand of man...nothing else. If it was inspired by God, then man wasn't listening and probably was picking his nose while staring into the sun with a full erection. I would expect nothing less.

[chicagoastronomer]

From the Dark Bible.....

God Given Hemorrhoids

"The LORD will smite thee with the botch of Egypt, and with the emerods, and with the scab, and with the itch, whereof thou canst not be healed." (Deuteronomy 28:27)

"But the hand of the LORD was heavy upon them of Ashdod, and he destroyed them, and smote them with emerods, [even] Ashdod and the coasts thereof" (I Samuel 5:6)

"And it was [so], that, after they had carried it about, the hand of the LORD was against the city with a very great destruction: and he smote the men of the city, both small and great, and they had emerods in their secret parts." (I Samuel 5:9)

Comment
When Israel felt rebellious against God's plan, He threatened them with type of plague: "emerods" or by today's terminology, "hemorrhoids."

No wonder why so many atheists consider God a pain in the ass. But then again, Christians and Jews develop hemorrhoids too. If you happen to develop hemorrhoids, then you can trust the Bible that God considers you an enemy.

I had an outburst of laughter when I read this one. I shall prep for the rapture....Preparation H that is!

Joe

[Automatic Nate]

</span><blockquote><span class="smallfont">Quote:</span><hr size="1" />Originally Posted by (Pooeypants,)
I'm still waiting for a Christian to pass by and start claiming it's all quoted out of context. *rollseyes*<hr size="1" /></blockquote><span class='postcolor'>
Hate to disappoint you, so...

I'm glad that this intrepid Mac user came along to set all of us Xtns straight... gosh, I never knew that all those parts of the Bible were "secrets" that people were "hiding!" Before I always read them in the (get ready) context of the larger story, and they made some sense. Even the hemmorhoids. But now I've been enlightened! Hooray!

[NoeticPenguin]

yes, the Bible contains statements and stories about rape, murder, incest, even the wholesale destruction of other nations and people. What you cannot do is take snippets out of the Bible, and throw them at people completely without context and expect them to take you seriously! While there are stories of rape, incest and murder in the Bible the story doesn't end with the [rape|incest|murder], it ends with the wrongdoer being punished.

Furthermore the statements Jesus makes about "hating one's father or mother" (as posted by someone here previously) are out of context, and do not have anything to do with salvation itself.

Context is everything.

For a good example, checkout Judges 19-onwards. The rape, and murder of a girl, is not the end of that story! Read the entire thing!

-Pkj.

[NoeticPenguin]

</span><blockquote><span class="smallfont">Quote:</span><hr size="1" />Originally Posted by (chicagoastronomer,)
The erraticity of the bible is proof enough that it was written with the dirty hand of man...nothing else. If it was inspired by God, then man wasn't listening and probably was picking his nose while staring into the sun with a full erection. I would expect nothing less.<hr size="1" /></blockquote><span class='postcolor'>

It does not logically follow that if the Bible was inspired by God, that it is / was inerrant. Man held the pen, Man wrote down the words. That doesn't negate in any way the idea that the Bible was inspired by God. I can inspire you to paint, but that doesn't mean I move your arm as you hold the brush!

Let's show some logical rigor here.

-Pkj

[AnonT]

Hey, those were all quoted out of context!


Personally, there are only a handful of Old Testament figures that I place any faith in at all, and while I have faith in Jesus, I don't much like most of the other people in the New Testament. But, then, I also place some faith in Buddha, Mohammed, one of the high priests of Quetzlcoatl, and a few others, so I don't know that you could classify me as "Christian" in a strict sense.

[NoeticPenguin]

</span><blockquote><span class="smallfont">Quote:</span><hr size="1" />Originally Posted by (orgaelin,)
There's loads of little quotes, like the one where Jesus says that you're not going to Heaven unless you hate you mother, father, brothers, sisters, etc.<hr size="1" /></blockquote><span class='postcolor'>

Actually, the verse is dealing with being a disciple of Jesus, not "going to heaven". Secondly your taking a bit out of context, I sugest you re-read the entire chapter. The section you quoted is Luke 14:26, and it's discussing the idea of "counting the cost" and knowing that becoming a disciple of Jesus may cost you the love of your family etc. Thirdly the translation is very bad! The Greek word we translate "hate" is actually more like "[hate] in the sense of indifference to or relative disregard for them in comparison with his attitude toward God]" acording to G. Abbott-Smith, in the Manual Greek Lexicon.

Context is everything, and part of that context is the languages it was a) written in and b) translated into.

</span><blockquote><span class="smallfont">Quote:</span><hr size="1" />Originally Posted by

Christians believe that the bible is the inspired word of God and contains no mistakes or innacuracies, and so by their own beliefs they have to accept that 99% of them ARE going to Hell! Just because they don't hate their families! <hr size="1" /></blockquote><span class='postcolor'>

Actually, thats a rather rude and off base comment, somewhat akin to me saying that all blond haired people are murders. Christians do not, by definition believe that the Bible contains no mistakes ore inaccuracies. I'll say it again, Christians do not by definition, believe that the Bible contains no mistakes or inaccuracies.

</span><blockquote><span class="smallfont">Quote:</span><hr size="1" />Originally Posted by

The big book even tells them to give up their wordly goods (even sell their clothes for swords if they have to) and that if they don't, a camel is more likely to fit through they eye of a needle than they are to fit into Heaven!<hr size="1" /></blockquote><span class='postcolor'>

Actually, it says that "it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to go into the kingdom of heaven." This of course has nothing to do with selling your clothes for swords, (interesting due to the clear rejection of violence that Jesus displays throughout the gospels) but it does say something about pride and humility and the effect that $ has on our pride. Few people are rich, and humble enough to become disciples. (thankfully there is grace!)

To put it mildly your exegesis shows a marked lack of knowledge of the basic naratives of the Bible, and it's overarching moral and ethical teachings; not to mention a disturbing lack of understanding of the role of faith in the lives of believers. Furthermore your prooftexting shows a marked lack of academic and logical rigor! If you wish to seriously engage belivers in conversation regarding the Bible you must know what it says, not only in prooftexts (as you clearly are attempting) but in the over-arching naratives and meta-naratives that influance and speak from the Bible.

</span><blockquote><span class="smallfont">Quote:</span><hr size="1" />Originally Posted by

Put plainly: the bible says that about ten people on the planet may be good enough to go to Heaven. The rest are going to burn... not just for a while, but for forever, in lakes of fire and brimstone. What a nice God he is to do this to his children!
<hr size="1" /></blockquote><span class='postcolor'>

This more than any other comment you have made shows your lack of understanding. Christianity is a faith based on the ideas of grace, forgiveness and love. Not on the concepts of work. One does not have to be "good enough" to go to heaven, one only has to believe and confess the name of the Lord.
The mystery of our faith is that Christ died for our Sins, that he rose again and that he will come again! Not in the works we do or do not do in some vain attempt to "earn heaven"

</span><blockquote><span class="smallfont">Quote:</span><hr size="1" />Originally Posted by

If there is a God, he/it has nothing to do with the evil egotistical genocidal maniac in the bible.

I had roughly this conversation with the JW I mentioned. She didn't much approve. <hr size="1" /></blockquote><span class='postcolor'>

Heards law: One cannot judge the existance of God based upon the actions ascribed to him. [1]

In other words you cannot look at your paltry understanding of the Bible, and decide that there is no God or that God is evil because the actions you read ascribed to him are actions you feel to be evil. Instead you *must* accept on faith the idea that God does exist, and then simply try to understand what those actions mean in the context of other things that are going on in the narrative.

[1]: Named for Dr. Heard, of Pepperdine University.

[dotcoma]

What doesn't change about the Bible is Jesus standing up against true tyranny.

[Automatic Nate]

</span><blockquote><span class="smallfont">Quote:</span><hr size="1" />Originally Posted by (NoeticPenguin,)
Heards law: One cannot judge the existance of God based upon the actions ascribed to him. [1]
[1]: Named for Dr. Heard, of Pepperdine University.<hr size="1" /></blockquote><span class='postcolor'>

How wonderful! I too studied under Dr. Heard--he taught for a few years at Milligan College in Tennessee during my senior year, and he was a fountain of quotables.

[Anniee]

Heh. Yeah I've read the whole Bible (you know, IN context) and I love how the antireligious point to all these same verses like it's supposed to shock someone or mean something. Hey! Leviticus has the death penalty for this - I bet Christians don't kill their daughters for it bwaaahahaha! Um...no, because we're not ancient Hebrews under Levitical law and haven't been for 2000 years maybe? Because the veil was rent in two? (What does THAT mean? It must be one of those cryptic things that could mean any old thing people want it to and she's using it for her own purposes right now, that's all. Hah! She's so dumb!)

This stuff is kindergarten. Not only not shocking or "secret" but just dumb.