This was originally intended to be my suicide note.
I am sad, fearful, and indifferent. I feel lost. My dream, my goal, of becoming a successful translator is waning. My ambition for life is fading. I am not living anymore, I have stopped reading and studying. I have stopped building my future. I have lost my motivation and myself. I am silent, a man of few words who rarely smiles and does not laugh at the jokes around him. I am very lonely and surround myself with very few companions. I feel as though the world has abandoned me. Of those in the world, the ones who have hurt me the most are those quixotic and enigmatic creatures known simply as woman have caused me more pain then is imaginable.
There is no love in this world. Women claim to be superior to men. They claim to be less superficial, less so-called "shallow", caring more about personality and wit instead of appearances. This is a lie and a fraud. Do not be deceived, women only care about superficial qualities. Womanly love is only conditional. They only care for a man if he has a large manhood, good looks, or money.
How does it feel to be without such a necessary feeling as love? People only love and adore that which meets their criteria. My family is ignorant of the true nature of my religious and socio-political beliefs. If they do, by some fate, discover the truth, then I would be most surely disowned and ridiculed. They do not love, and do not wish to, my true self. They only wish to love the ideal me, my fake self.
Everyone has abandoned me. My friends and family have all left me in complete and utter loneliness. Can you imagine the feeling of coming home to an empty apartment day in and day out? To those friends and relatives who have tried to treat my loneliness, I thank you, but it has not done very much to cease the agony of my soul.
All I think and care about now is to take revenge on my life and my weakness. I hate everyone for leaving me like this. I hate myself. I want to take as many people with me as possible. I want to tear friendships, relationships, and families asunder. I do not wish to suffer alone. Why must I suffer alone? I will take revenge; I will defend myself. I will make people understand my pain; know my suffering.
Everyone is culpable for my suffering, yes, even myself, so everyone must face judgment. There is no innocent. The "innocent" are without excuse for they were complacent. The failed to rebuke their neighbors so they shall be rebuked along with them. I hate the judgmental women. They shall be made to suffer greatly for their crimes against me.
Can you possibly imagine the shock of the realization that you will die unloved and alone? How would you handle it? Could you handle it?