A business plan

[Zhavric]

I've decided I'm going to start a business... a corporation perhaps.

The purpose of my corporation, like any other corporation, is to grow, gain influence and accumulate wealth. To do that, I'm going to need employees and I'm going to need to sell something (amongst other things).

First, let's start with a product. The easiest and cheapest product to produce is Nothing. Nothing has zero overhead, no government regulation on it, and is completely non-toxic to handle. It doesn't leave smelly droppings, require complex assembly or demand expensive components.

The trick is getting individuals to grant me influence & wealth over them in return for Nothing. That takes marketing.

I will blitz the public with a marketing campaign that explains in no uncertain terms that they absolutely 100% cannot live without my brand of Nothing. No other brand of Nothing will do and their lives aren't just incomplete without my Nothing, but a crucial imbalance in the consumer's personal nothing* is corrected by my Nothing. I will bill my Nothing as the cure the public needs for the disease of the personal nothing they don't really have.

Here are some other marketing tactics I intend to employ:

• I'm going to tell people that the source of all my Nothing showed up about 40 or 50 years ago and predicted something big and important that's already happened. That way, the public will think my Nothing is the real McCoy. I'll find a handful of 'historians' and bring them into my corporation; they'll write (i.e. invent) about the source of my Nothing to give it more credence.
• Those faux historians will get the ball rolling, but lots of people will come later who will either legitmately believe in my Nothing or will be in on the whole thing. They'll write reports reinforcing the BS I use to justify my Nothing.
• I'll target parents who accept my Nothing and get them to convince their kids they're Nothing customers. This is paramount. Getting kids to believe my Nothing is for them is greatly important. It will begin a cycle of productivity as those kids grow into adults and teach their kids to buy Nothing.
• I will create a mentality through my advertising that people who cry foul against my Nothing are crack pots. I'll refer to them as "Nothing-mythers" and encourage my customers to dismiss their rational objections in favor of the BS justifications I & my corporation have comissioned.
• At any time if I am able to, I will partner with government to ensure that everyone purchases my Nothing and any other brand of nothing isn't allowed.
• I will actively work to infiltrate any part of any institution available to me no matter how protected it may be. I will condition my customers to feel any time they are denied influence in some realm, they are being "attacked" which will make them work even harder.
• I will do my best to ensure my customers can't imagine their existence without my Nothing. I will have my Nothing take credit for all of their good feelings while leaving all the bad stuff on their shoulders. After all, my Nothing is perfect so if something goes wrong, they're just not using my product properly.

The most important bit there is getting parents to teach their kids to buy into Nothing at the earliest possible age. Kids will believe anything their parents teach them and what they learn in childhood will stay with them their entire lives. Coke, Pepsi and McDonalds have done plenty of studies on this and confirmed it with their highly effective marketing departments.

Also of key importance is the notion that life without my Nothing wouldn't be worth living. You watch and see: it'll happen. Folks won't be able to sneaze or smile without thinking about my Nothing. They'll think nothing of donating a few bucks here and there while I and my buddies get rich. If anyone mentions that we're living off the fat of the land, we'll point to our many charitable works and to low level employees who get paid squat. The real goal here is influence, anyway.

What? What do you mean "it's been done"?







*And why not a personal nothing? People are always buying things they don't really need for body parts they didn't know they even had before some corporation told them about it. "Oat bran helps your arteries." There was a year in the mid 90's when you couldn't buy a box of cereal that didn't have OAT BRAN pritned on each side of it.

[5010]

If a competitor kills any of your employees or customers for selling or using your product, you will honor them in marketing material that targets the sympathy of future potential employees and customers.

Market your product as better than some biologically basic function, such as sex. Your customers will inevitably engage in that biological function, which will remind them about your product and realize they foolishly chose the wrong product. This will make them feel guilty until they buy more of your product.

[Zhavric]

Quote by: 5010 If a competitor kills any of your employees or customers for selling or using your product, you will honor them in marketing material that targets the sympathy of future potential employees and customers. Market your product as better than some biologically basic function, such as sex. Your customers will inevitably engage in that biological function, which will remind them about your product and realize they foolishly chose the wrong product. This will make them feel guilty until they buy more of your product.

Those are really good ideas.

The more positive basic biological functions (joyful emotions, love, etc.) I can attribute exclusively to my Nothing, the better.

[rcne]

Develop a personal "Nothing System", nothing would have to be relabeled as a ultra, or mega Something (marketing you understand) that guarantees a positive change in your state of mind.

Personal happiness, or well being, or just feeling good can be found simply by using your system... and its periodic reinforcements if you sign up for the perpetual happiness plan.

It might just work...creating the need is everything.

[ItsDarts]

Quote by: 5010 If a competitor kills any of your employees or customers for selling or using your product, you will honor them in marketing material that targets the sympathy of future potential employees and customers. Market your product as better than some biologically basic function, such as sex. Your customers will inevitably engage in that biological function, which will remind them about your product and realize they foolishly chose the wrong product. This will make them feel guilty until they buy more of your product.

I vote that you become a marketing guru for Zhavs new corporation, hell you might even write a little book with your name on it, that would help to influence others if there is a book about what you do or what you observed about Zhavs coroporation.

[ItsDarts]

Quote by: rcne Develop a personal "Nothing System", nothing would have to be relabeled as a ultra, or mega Something (marketing you understand) that guarantees a positive change in your state of mind. Personal happiness, or well being, or just feeling good can be found simply by using your system... and its periodic reinforcements if you sign up for the perpetual happiness plan. It might just work...creating the need is everything.

Wow, you should write a book too. Maybe we can combine your book with 5010's and called Uber News? Something flashy like that. :)

[Zhavric]

Quote by: rcne Personal happiness, or well being, or just feeling good can be found simply by using your system... and its periodic reinforcements if you sign up for the perpetual happiness plan.

Kudos for positive thinking, but I fear you're not looking big enough. The Nothing I sell has to be something people absolutely need and cannot live without. I'm going to do my best to guilt occasional users into trying to purchase more Nothing.

If people can use my Nothing occasionally, it means that I'll have profits & influence occasionally and that just doesn't work.

[5010]

Yes, but Zhav is in charge, so he will have to decide which of our books are officially included in The Book of Nothing. Also, since we aren't really great writers, Zhav will need to employ a lot of bad writers that make ridiculous claims (in Zhav's opinion of course) so he can separate the bad from the worse when assembling The Book of Nothing. Then he can proudly compare what is included with the trash that was excluded.

But I disagree with putting my name on it. To protect the company's liability, we should write them anonymously and let Zhav 'attribute' it to whom he thinks wrote it after we are dead. And it also helps if the 'original copy' is no longer available, since not only is that an oxymoron but it is a liability risk to the company.

[rcne]

To fully appreciate "Nothing", first you must have a sample of 'Nothing". Then as the Jim Jones like need increases, the "Life Time Nothing" plan takes effect.

The "Books of Nothing" could heighten the awareness of the benefits of "Nothing", as well as be cryptic enough to cause the readers to experience throbbing headaches.

Which, of course, never would have happened if "Nothing" was already present in their system. It would be helpful at this stage to point out the error - that you can not understand and appreciate to its fullest extent "The Books of Nothing" without having "Nothing" already.

[5010]

So rcne, if I understand you correctly, in order to experience Nothing, one must give up Something. And to make it convenient, the company accepts cash, check, money order, credit, and even bartered goods and services.

[Zhavric]

Quote by: 5010 Yes, but Zhav is in charge, so he will have to decide which of our books are officially included in The Book of Nothing. Also, since we aren't really great writers, Zhav will need to employ a lot of bad writers that make ridiculous claims (in Zhav's opinion of course) so he can separate the bad from the worse when assembling The Book of Nothing. Then he can proudly compare what is included with the trash that was excluded. But I disagree with putting my name on it. To protect the company's liability, we should write them anonymously and let Zhav 'attribute' it to whom he thinks wrote it after we are dead. And it also helps if the 'original copy' is no longer available, since not only is that an oxymoron but it is a liability risk to the company.

It doesn't really matter who wrote them. In about a century when my company has control over most of the continent and has stamped out learning & knowledge, I'll have my company do a lot of re-writing of history.

[ItsDarts]

This isn't as much fun when competing companies aren't participating LOL

[rcne]

Quote by: 5010 So rcne, if I understand you correctly, in order to experience Nothing, one must give up Something. And to make it convenient, the company accepts cash, check, money order, credit, and even bartered goods and services.

Exactly

[gw120]

Sorry your business has already been made. It's called the republican party.

[jascowhiz0]

Quote by: gw120 Sorry your business has already been made. It's called the republican party.

Its not like the democrats have anything better.


Anyways, I'll make my own nothing, but call it something. A good name grabs more attention.

[Zhavric]

Oh. I just thought of a good one. I'm going to convince people that a guy who never really existed died to give you access to my Nothing so that people will feel guilty for not purchasing my Nothing.

Guilt is one of the most powerful motivating emotions.

[Jack]

"This man died for nothing so you don't have to."

Now let us bow our heads and pray for nothing.

[Gods_Mercenary]

If people are stupid enough to buy it, they deserve to be fooled.

[fushigi]

Quote by: Zhavric The easiest and cheapest product to produce is Nothing.

Sounds like more of a religion than a marketing plan. But then, what's the difference?

[Zhavric]

Quote by: fushigi Sounds like more of a religion than a marketing plan. But then, what's the difference?

Fushigi wins this thread.

Christianity (and Islam and most religions) are just products / corporations complete with marketing schemes.