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Zhavric · Jan 24, 2007, 04:12 pm

Meat
by Terry Bisson

Imagine if you will... we are not alone in the universe...
Exactly what could they think of us once they meet us...

One alien officer talking to his superior...
"They're made out of meat."
"Meat?"
"Meat. They're made out of meat."
"Meat?"
"There's no doubt about it. We picked several from different parts of the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, probed them all the way through. They're completely meat."

"That's impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the stars."
"They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don't come from them. The signals come from machines."

"So who made the machines? That's who we want to contact."
"They made the machines. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Meat made the machines."
"That's ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You're asking me to believe in sentient meat."
"I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. These creatures are the only sentient race in the sector and they're made out of meat."

"Maybe they're like the Orfolei. You know, a carbon-based intelligence that goes through a meat stage."
"Nope. They're born meat and they die meat. We studied them for several of their life spans, which didn't take too long. Do you have any idea the life span of meat?"

"Spare me. Okay, maybe they're only part meat. You know, like the Weddilei. A meat head with an electron plasma brain inside."
"Nope. We thought of that, since they do have meat heads like the Weddilei. But I told you, we probed them. They're meat all the way through."

"No brain?"
"Oh, there is a brain all right. It's just that the brain is made out of meat!"
"So... what does the thinking?"
"You're not understanding, are you? The brain does the thinking. The meat."

"Thinking meat! You're asking me to believe in thinking meat!"
"Yes, thinking meat! Conscious meat! Loving meat. Dreaming meat. The meat is the whole deal! Are you getting the picture?"

"Omigod. You're serious then. They're made out of meat."

"Finally, Yes. They are indeed made out meat. And they've been trying to get in touch with us for almost a hundred of their years."

"So what does the meat have in mind?"
"First it wants to talk to us. Then I imagine it wants to explore the universe, contact other sentients, swap ideas and information. The usual."
"We're supposed to talk to meat?"
"That's the idea. That's the message they're sending out by radio. 'Hello. Anyone out there? Anyone home?' That sort of thing."
"They actually do talk, then. They use words, ideas, concepts?"
"Oh, yes. Except they do it with meat."

"I thought you just told me they used radio."
"They do, but what do you think is on the radio? Meat sounds. You know how when you slap or flap meat it makes a noise? They talk by flapping their meat at each other. They can even sing by squirting air through their meat."

"Omigod. Singing meat. This is altogether too much. So what do you advise?"
"Officially or unofficially?"
"Both."

"Officially, we are required to contact, welcome, and log in any and all sentient races or multibeings in the quadrant, without prejudice, fear, or favor. Unofficially, I advise that we erase the records and forget the whole thing."
"I was hoping you would say that."
"It seems harsh, but there is a limit. Do we really want to make contact with meat?"
"I agree one hundred percent. What's there to say?" `Hello, meat. How's it going?' But will this work? How many planets are we dealing with here?"

"Just one. They can travel to other planets in special meat containers, but they can't live on them. And being meat, they only travel through C space. Which limits them to the speed of light and makes the possibility of their ever making contact pretty slim. Infinitesimal, in fact."

"So we just pretend there's no one home in the universe."
"That's it."
"Cruel. But you said it yourself, who wants to meet meat? And the ones who have been aboard our vessels, the ones you have probed? You're sure they won't remember?"
"They'll be considered crackpots if they do. We went into their heads and smoothed out their meat so that we're just a dream to them."
"A dream to meat! How strangely appropriate, that we should be meat's dream."
"And we can mark this sector unoccupied."
"Good. Agreed, officially and unofficially. Case closed. Any others? Anyone interesting on that side of the galaxy?"

"Yes, a rather shy but sweet hydrogen core cluster intelligence in a class nine star in G445 zone. Was in contact two galactic rotations ago, wants to be friendly again."
"They always come around."
"And why not? Imagine how unbearably, how unutterably cold the universe would be if one were all alone."

So, what do you think? Are we meat? Is being meat weird? Is there other life in the universe that'll be freaked out to find we're meat because they're not?

PatrickHenry · Jan 24, 2007, 06:06 pm

Quote:

Quote by: Zhavric

So, what do you think? Are we meat? Is being meat weird? Is there other life in the universe that'll be freaked out to find we're meat because they're not?

Did you author the conversation between the "non-meat" entities, Zhav?

Creative...

I like some of the intelligences proposed by Olaf Stapledon in his classic book, Star Maker.

One of them was sentient stars. Their time frames were completely different from ours, however, and substantive communication between humans and the stars was an insurmountable problem...:eek:

Kamehameha34 · Jan 24, 2007, 06:21 pm

No, he didn't. I read it in a book, for my 8th grade English exam.

It didn't occur to me, at the time, that it was referring to us :eek:

Scribbler1 · Jan 24, 2007, 06:40 pm

Well, whoever wrote it, I enjoyed it. Very funny.

Jagged · Jan 24, 2007, 08:01 pm

I lol'd

Osborn F Enready · Jan 24, 2007, 10:03 pm

I thought it was damn funny, and appropriate.

**Jack** · Jan 25, 2007, 12:42 am

The aliens? They're plastic, of course.

phoenix_fire · Jan 25, 2007, 12:54 am

When I read the title, I thought this would be a thread on cannibalism.

**Jack** · Jan 25, 2007, 12:56 am

Nope, you'll have to start that one yourself. :rolleyes:

phoenix_fire · Jan 25, 2007, 12:58 am

That would be kinda pointless.

**Jack** · Jan 25, 2007, 01:03 am

Good point. We wouldn't want any pointless threads here.

Jagged · Jan 25, 2007, 01:55 am

This is the best thread in awhile. I get bored when i come an hour late after a topic has started and there is already a 3 page long flame war so i cant put in my two cents. :(

Eclipse · Jan 25, 2007, 02:17 am

I flapped my meat jovially.

ItsDarts · Jan 25, 2007, 09:31 am

Quote:

Quote by: Eclipse

I flapped my meat jovially.

If you're a male, thats a bad visual. LOL

Eclipse · Jan 25, 2007, 01:56 pm

Quote:

If you're a male, thats a bad visual. LOL

This made me flap my meat with more vigour then before. I can't stop. I think my mass of meat will soon succumb to uncontrollable spasms and an expelling of inner fluids in spurts.

ItsDarts · Jan 25, 2007, 01:59 pm

Quote:

Quote by: Eclipse

This made me flap my meat with more vigour then before. I can't stop. I think my mass of meat will soon succumb to uncontrollable spasms and an expelling of inner fluids in spurts.

Now I must slaughter a pig to get rid of that visual.... ugh:eek:

Eclipse · Jan 25, 2007, 02:00 pm

lol

Scribbler1 · Jan 25, 2007, 06:43 pm

Quote:

Quote by: Eclipse

This made me flap my meat with more vigour then before. I can't stop. I think my mass of meat will soon succumb to uncontrollable spasms and an expelling of inner fluids in spurts.

I think that happened at a barbeque once. It was an ugly sight.

another day · Jan 26, 2007, 04:40 am

you know, they say cannibals wank the guy off before they kill him so they have more meat

Technosoul · Jan 27, 2007, 11:43 pm

The Swallows came out with this song in the early 1950s.

"It's not the meat - it's the motion - that makes your daddy want to rock"

The song was quickly banned by human DJs.

Looking a woman as "meat" is politically incorrect even nowadays, more or less - comedy stand-ups get away with anything.

So what is wrong with being "meat"? Well we do not like to see our self as animals (like cows and so forth) as we believe we are in the image of God.

And most believe God is not meat. (bread wheat or grape wine ... perhaps, according to the "remember me" speech at the Last Summer.) But Meat, not me - no way. (good thing they did not have Burger King hamburgers back in the Bible days).

But in fact, true.

Calling someone meat is an insult because it means you are just like hamburger from a cow. And our ego cannot stand that concept. Even if it is true we go to great effort to re-discribe our self as a spirit or as a soul, etc.

Got milk?

They alien story was cute and must of had a point in the mind of the writer.

No doubt the non-meat alien is our alter ego that sees the "only human" ego as "lower in status".

I can hardly believe I am writing this much about a funny little story.

Jan 24, 2007, 04:12 pm	#1 (permalink) (top)
Zhavric Made of pure win. Posts: 3,808	What if someone found out we're, well... meat? Meat by Terry Bisson Imagine if you will... we are not alone in the universe... Exactly what could they think of us once they meet us... One alien officer talking to his superior... "They're made out of meat." "Meat?" "Meat. They're made out of meat." "Meat?" "There's no doubt about it. We picked several from different parts of the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, probed them all the way through. They're completely meat." "That's impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the stars." "They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don't come from them. The signals come from machines." "So who made the machines? That's who we want to contact." "They made the machines. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Meat made the machines." "That's ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You're asking me to believe in sentient meat." "I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. These creatures are the only sentient race in the sector and they're made out of meat." "Maybe they're like the Orfolei. You know, a carbon-based intelligence that goes through a meat stage." "Nope. They're born meat and they die meat. We studied them for several of their life spans, which didn't take too long. Do you have any idea the life span of meat?" "Spare me. Okay, maybe they're only part meat. You know, like the Weddilei. A meat head with an electron plasma brain inside." "Nope. We thought of that, since they do have meat heads like the Weddilei. But I told you, we probed them. They're meat all the way through." "No brain?" "Oh, there is a brain all right. It's just that the brain is made out of meat!" "So... what does the thinking?" "You're not understanding, are you? The brain does the thinking. The meat." "Thinking meat! You're asking me to believe in thinking meat!" "Yes, thinking meat! Conscious meat! Loving meat. Dreaming meat. The meat is the whole deal! Are you getting the picture?" "Omigod. You're serious then. They're made out of meat." "Finally, Yes. They are indeed made out meat. And they've been trying to get in touch with us for almost a hundred of their years." "So what does the meat have in mind?" "First it wants to talk to us. Then I imagine it wants to explore the universe, contact other sentients, swap ideas and information. The usual." "We're supposed to talk to meat?" "That's the idea. That's the message they're sending out by radio. 'Hello. Anyone out there? Anyone home?' That sort of thing." "They actually do talk, then. They use words, ideas, concepts?" "Oh, yes. Except they do it with meat." "I thought you just told me they used radio." "They do, but what do you think is on the radio? Meat sounds. You know how when you slap or flap meat it makes a noise? They talk by flapping their meat at each other. They can even sing by squirting air through their meat." "Omigod. Singing meat. This is altogether too much. So what do you advise?" "Officially or unofficially?" "Both." "Officially, we are required to contact, welcome, and log in any and all sentient races or multibeings in the quadrant, without prejudice, fear, or favor. Unofficially, I advise that we erase the records and forget the whole thing." "I was hoping you would say that." "It seems harsh, but there is a limit. Do we really want to make contact with meat?" "I agree one hundred percent. What's there to say?" `Hello, meat. How's it going?' But will this work? How many planets are we dealing with here?" "Just one. They can travel to other planets in special meat containers, but they can't live on them. And being meat, they only travel through C space. Which limits them to the speed of light and makes the possibility of their ever making contact pretty slim. Infinitesimal, in fact." "So we just pretend there's no one home in the universe." "That's it." "Cruel. But you said it yourself, who wants to meet meat? And the ones who have been aboard our vessels, the ones you have probed? You're sure they won't remember?" "They'll be considered crackpots if they do. We went into their heads and smoothed out their meat so that we're just a dream to them." "A dream to meat! How strangely appropriate, that we should be meat's dream." "And we can mark this sector unoccupied." "Good. Agreed, officially and unofficially. Case closed. Any others? Anyone interesting on that side of the galaxy?" "Yes, a rather shy but sweet hydrogen core cluster intelligence in a class nine star in G445 zone. Was in contact two galactic rotations ago, wants to be friendly again." "They always come around." "And why not? Imagine how unbearably, how unutterably cold the universe would be if one were all alone." So, what do you think? Are we meat? Is being meat weird? Is there other life in the universe that'll be freaked out to find we're meat because they're not? Theists: supplying volconvo with lose since 2004.

Jan 24, 2007, 06:40 pm	#4 (permalink) (top)
Scribbler1 Skeptical Patriot Posts: 7,837	Well, whoever wrote it, I enjoyed it. Very funny. Not a day goes by that I don't see something that reinforces my belief that people are idiots.

Jan 24, 2007, 10:03 pm	#6 (permalink) (top)
Osborn F Enready Principled Observer Location: Toledo, Ohio Posts: 13,922	I thought it was damn funny, and appropriate. Petition of Redress of Grievances: http://www.givemeliberty.org/default.htm Canadian Lawsuit Against Their National Banks: http://www.freewebs.com/classaction/ Osborn F. Enready

Jan 25, 2007, 12:42 am	#7 (permalink) (top)
Jack formerly Isherwood Location: San Diego, CA Posts: 14,209	The aliens? They're plastic, of course. The Forum Rules Radical Atheist Heathen Queer Let's agree to respect each others views, no matter how wrong yours may be. (Ashleigh Brilliant)

Jan 25, 2007, 12:54 am	#8 (permalink) (top)
phoenix_fire Paladin Location: Narnia Posts: 4,277	When I read the title, I thought this would be a thread on cannibalism. Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame. -- Song 8:6

Jan 24, 2007, 06:21 pm	#3 (permalink) (top)
Kamehameha34 The dingos! Posts: 4,548	No, he didn't. I read it in a book, for my 8th grade English exam. It didn't occur to me, at the time, that it was referring to us :eek:

Jan 24, 2007, 08:01 pm	#5 (permalink) (top)
Jagged 99 Red Balloons Location: Washington DC Posts: 274	I lol'd

Jan 25, 2007, 12:56 am	#9 (permalink) (top)
Jack formerly Isherwood Location: San Diego, CA Posts: 14,209	Nope, you'll have to start that one yourself. :rolleyes: The Forum Rules Radical Atheist Heathen Queer Let's agree to respect each others views, no matter how wrong yours may be. (Ashleigh Brilliant)

Jan 25, 2007, 12:58 am	#10 (permalink) (top)
phoenix_fire Paladin Location: Narnia Posts: 4,277	That would be kinda pointless. Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame. -- Song 8:6

Jan 25, 2007, 01:03 am	#11 (permalink) (top)
Jack formerly Isherwood Location: San Diego, CA Posts: 14,209	Good point. We wouldn't want any pointless threads here. The Forum Rules Radical Atheist Heathen Queer Let's agree to respect each others views, no matter how wrong yours may be. (Ashleigh Brilliant)

Jan 25, 2007, 01:55 am	#12 (permalink) (top)
Jagged 99 Red Balloons Location: Washington DC Posts: 274	This is the best thread in awhile. I get bored when i come an hour late after a topic has started and there is already a 3 page long flame war so i cant put in my two cents. :(

Jan 25, 2007, 02:17 am	#13 (permalink) (top)
Eclipse Igneous Magma Posts: 248	I flapped my meat jovially.

Jan 25, 2007, 02:00 pm	#17 (permalink) (top)
Eclipse Igneous Magma Posts: 248	lol

Jan 26, 2007, 04:40 am	#19 (permalink) (top)
another day slipping sand Posts: 1,996	you know, they say cannibals wank the guy off before they kill him so they have more meat

Jan 27, 2007, 11:43 pm	#20 (permalink) (top)
Technosoul Volcanic Erupter Posts: 8,936	The Swallows came out with this song in the early 1950s. "It's not the meat - it's the motion - that makes your daddy want to rock" The song was quickly banned by human DJs. Looking a woman as "meat" is politically incorrect even nowadays, more or less - comedy stand-ups get away with anything. So what is wrong with being "meat"? Well we do not like to see our self as animals (like cows and so forth) as we believe we are in the image of God. And most believe God is not meat. (bread wheat or grape wine ... perhaps, according to the "remember me" speech at the Last Summer.) But Meat, not me - no way. (good thing they did not have Burger King hamburgers back in the Bible days). But in fact, true. Calling someone meat is an insult because it means you are just like hamburger from a cow. And our ego cannot stand that concept. Even if it is true we go to great effort to re-discribe our self as a spirit or as a soul, etc. Got milk? They alien story was cute and must of had a point in the mind of the writer. No doubt the non-meat alien is our alter ego that sees the "only human" ego as "lower in status". I can hardly believe I am writing this much about a funny little story.