Is Looking at Pornography Cheating?

[Heather]

I have had many discussions with women (and some men) where they seems to feel that if their boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse is looking at (among other things) pornography that this is no different than cheating. The argument seems to be that the pornography offender has made a commitment to the other, and as such, needs to uphold that, even in regards to what they admires and find pleasurable.

I say looking at porn is really no different than having a sexual fantasy, which we all have and there is no way to regulate that, so what’s the difference? It is seems to me to be little more than an "aide" to that fantasy.

I think there is a definite distinction between looking and touching.

Or can looking be harmful to the relationship as well, giving this idea a credible basis?

What do you think?

[CoffeeSaint]

Quote by: Heather I have had many discussions with women (and some men) where they seems to feel that if their boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse is looking at (among other things) pornography that this is no different than cheating. The argument seems to be that the pornography offender has made a commitment to the other, and as such, needs to uphold that, even in regards to what they admires and find pleasurable. I say looking at porn is really no different than having a sexual fantasy, which we all have and there is no way to regulate that, so what’s the difference? It is seems to me to be little more than an "aide" to that fantasy. I think there is a definite distinction between looking and touching. Or can looking be harmful to the relationship as well, giving this idea a credible basis? What do you think?

Like everything else, it depends on the context. Looking at porn for the sake of visual gratification is one thing -- I'd call that innocent -- but perhaps looking at porn and masturbating is something else. Is it cheating if you pleasure yourself? Well, you're reaching orgasm with someone other than your partner, aren't you? And if you do that while thinking about someone else (namely the porn star writhing on your computer screen -- because does anyone actually look at magazine porn any more?) then you are reaching orgasm with someone else, even if that person isn't reaching orgasm with you.

I don't think it's cheating, because it isn't involving another person. But I would call it something other than innocent fun. Perhaps it is being unfaithful, but not cheating?

[ericsp23]

Everyone has their own definition of cheating. In my mind, I don't think looking at porn is cheating, but I'm sure there are many people out there that do. If your partner happens to be one of those people then looking at porn could be just as damaging to your relationship as cheating.

[Osborn F Enready]

Heather, I think it depends on the individuals in the relationship and the bounds they set for their relationship and trust, as well as what is deemed essential to that trust.

I have dated women who thought porn was a form of cheating, but then again, I have only met a few women who would negate, through physcial action and depth of relationship my desire to view porn.

My ex-wife didn't view porn as cheating, but I think she liked to look as much as I did.

[Praxius]

I don't considder it cheating.... when someone thinks of it that way, they're only making their life more difficult.... where and when do you draw the line of what you think is pornographic?

So let's say buddy isn't allowed to look at porn because he might see a naked woman getting it on..... well ok.... then what happens when you decide to watch a movie that came out of the theatres and there's a sex scene? Oh no.... look out..... he's looking at another girl having sex.... quick, cover his eyes!!!

Give me a break.... the one and only main reason why some feel porn is cheating..... and I have asked plenty of women about this just recently.... most express honestly, or they word around it... but they don't have confidence in their own bodies and theirself. They are insecure with their own bodies and feel intimidated by what they see in porn, because it's usually something they don't feel comfortible doing in reality, so they feel the man or whoever is watching it, is getting something out of it that they are not getting in the relationship..... which is 80% not the case for most people..... granted there maybe a few like that, and if they are they should end the relationship.

Just because a guy or girl watches a paticular porn and is turned on by something that you don't do in the relationship, that doesn't mean they really want that in their relationship, they just like the idea in the head and that's good enough...... as mentioned before, it's a fantasy thing.... nothing more.

You will notice the majority of women who do like porn, are generally in good physical condition and have good confidence in their bodies and abilities.... while those who were out of the average weight, or have had bad relationships in the past, generally have a lower self esteme and start the comparisons to the women in the porn.......

But this also goes both ways, where the guy can feel this way if the woman views porn.

It's a personal thing, not a cultural thing..... if you like it, do it..... if your with someone who doesn't like it, chances are they never will..... just be true to yourself.

Is going to a Strip Club cheating?

[5010]

Anything is cheating if it violates the terms of the relationship. So if my girlfriend and I agreed to only experience swiss cheese with each other, and I had a craving for swiss cheese and snuck out and ate it alone, I would be cheating. If we both decided to quit smoking and she snuck a smoke, it would be cheating.

The action involved in cheating is not the main problem, but rather the sneaking and lying that hurts the relationship.

Watching porn alone or with another person is therefore cheating if your partner and you agree to only watch it together or agree to never watch it.

[Madeline]

Why would any one want to look at male pornography if they have a husband or boyfriend? Is there something your man can't offer that these men can? I'm a Christian and I believe what Jesus said, that whoever lusts upon another person whilst married has committed adultery in their heart. Of course people will disagree with me, but to each their own.

Love,
Madeline

[5010]

Quote by: Madeline Why would any one want to look at male pornography if they have a husband or boyfriend? Is there something your man can't offer that these men can?

Of course, a real person can offer more than an image of a person, but what if you are "in need" and your partner is unavailable? Fulfilling that need through imagery/fantasy is better than with a 3rd party, no? An image is not going to want anything from you or try to interfere with your relationship. It is just an image.

[Praxius]

Quote by: Madeline Why would any one want to look at male pornography if they have a husband or boyfriend? Is there something your man can't offer that these men can? I'm a Christian and I believe what Jesus said, that whoever lusts upon another person whilst married has committed adultery in their heart. Of course people will disagree with me, but to each their own. Love, Madeline

See that's that comparison factor I was talking about.... it's not about what you can get or not get.... it's porn.... you're not getting anything period.... it's only on the TV/Monitor.

Sometimes a guy wants to see sex and think about sex, but not nessicarily go through the energy of actually having sex, so one will watch porn.

Sometimes, if you're like me, after while when the sex becomes a bit routine.... or you're not having sex as often as you used to.... what happens is the sex on the mind get's switched off.... if I don't have sex for a while, I just forget about it..... instead of making myself more frustrated about the situation, my mind just shuts it off.......

..... Now if this happens for a long period of time.... It's almost impossible to get my sexual drive back up, esspecially if my partner wants it right then and there, after being shut down for a period of time. When looking at porn, it kinda refreshes your memory as to the enjoyment two (or three ) people can have, and reminds you that it's something you enjoy, something that everybody enjoys....

Another aspect about porn that I would like to point out, is that it helps you get mental images while actually having sex. This isn't mental images of other people..... not by any means..... think of it this way:

You have sex with your girlfriend or boyfriend. Normally when you are in most positions, you don't see much of the other person's body.... you see their face and probably back or chest area...... you feel what's going on by sensations, but you usually don't see what's going on down there.... .in other words, you're a bit out of touch with your senses.

When watching porn, you see the angles and parts of the body you don't normally get to see when having sex..... then you can go "Ah.... that's what it looks like" etc....

then when you have sex the next time, as it is fresh in the mind, you not only can feel the sensations, but you now have a mental image of what's really going on down there, which I find adds further sensation to those areas in question.

[Madeline]

Praxius, I was just thinking after reading your post and the title under your username....Anyways, as I stated before that I am a Christian and believe it is wrong to look at lust after another as stated by Jesus. If we are capable of looking at pornographic pictures whilst doing nasty things to ourself, then whose to say that we are not capable of acting it out in real life? -- there lies the danger.

@5010,

How long could your husband or boyfriend possibly be away for? days at the most...which should be quite easy for anyone to resist the urge to do whatever whilst looking at pornographic images. And as I mentioned to Praxius, if someone is capable of doing nasty things to themself whilst looking at pornographic images -- whose to say they they can't act it out in real life?

Love,
Madeline

[Slevin57]

I don't think looking at porn is cheating.

I do think the porn harms a relationship, just as cheating can. It might not be instant or direct, but the guy or girl is looking at something other people have (or seem to have) and the human mind can't help but wonder why they don't have it as well. Overtime this habit can turn to an addiction.

I guess it really depends on the person.

[RickSp]

Wow, if looking at porn is cheating, is watching porn with your wife or girlfriend group sex?

[Slevin57]

I think it depends on the person and what they are willing to accept.

My theory of pornographic degradation of the relationship can occur in the most liberal of people. It's something I have witnessed happen over time with quite a few people. (Mostly men)

[RickSp]

Actaully I was joking.

[Hmm]

Quote by: Madeline If we are capable of looking at pornographic pictures whilst doing nasty things to ourself, then whose to say that we are not capable of acting it out in real life? -- there lies the danger.

Wait a second. Are you calling masturbation "nasty?"

[tinybear]

Quote by: Heather I have had many discussions with women (and some men) where they seems to feel that if their boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse is looking at (among other things) pornography that this is no different than cheating. The argument seems to be that the pornography offender has made a commitment to the other, and as such, needs to uphold that, even in regards to what they admires and find pleasurable. I say looking at porn is really no different than having a sexual fantasy, which we all have and there is no way to regulate that, so what’s the difference? It is seems to me to be little more than an "aide" to that fantasy. I think there is a definite distinction between looking and touching. Or can looking be harmful to the relationship as well, giving this idea a credible basis? What do you think?

I think you should stay away from the Finest Men Of All Time thread, Heather.

[Rinoa]

Personally, I don't see it as cheating, so long as it is simply due to unavailability. If I'm ill, or away, then by all means take care of yourself with whatever assistance you need...short of another woman physically there...But don't tell me about it, that's something that I don't need to hear about. I'm not sure that my view won't change after marriage, but if it did, then I should provide the material for him. For a husband I'd actually consider having some 'art' shots done for him, and booked together for just such an occasion.

However, when you start to choose the porn over the woman laying next to you every night that creates a problem. If you'd rather be with your magazine than her that spells trouble. Also, the type of porn can be important...If he's twenty-five and looking at kid porn(*stomache turns*) eighty year old lady porn, or gay porn, yeah we've got an issue.

Quote by: Madeline Praxius, I was just thinking after reading your post and the title under your username....Anyways, as I stated before that I am a Christian and believe it is wrong to look at lust after another as stated by Jesus. If we are capable of looking at pornographic pictures whilst doing nasty things to ourself, then whose to say that we are not capable of acting it out in real life? -- there lies the danger. Love, Madeline

The capability of doing it really isn't the question. If a man can perform the action he can physically cheat. The thing that says he won't? His moral values. If he has enough selfcontrol to stop himself from actually bringing another woman in to umm...'handle' it then it's not the same.

Also, I mentioned in my post having my own pictures done for my husband, either using him as the photographer or using a camera with a timer so I could take the pictures myself. Do you believe that there is a problem with using pictures of only your significant other?

[Madeline]

@Rinoa,

That's fine! I have no problem with peoples sexual preferences; I personally think masturbation is a nasty habit -- nothing personal. I'm uncertain as to why you would want to take pictures of your husband if you got the real deal? And if you're looking at pictures of your husband whilst he is away to satiate your sexual urges, don't you think it's better just to hold out until he comes home? Good things come to those who wait...unless I am misunderstanding you.

@hmm

YES!

[Rinoa]

lol, I wouldn't want his pictures, for me sex and masturbation aren't the same thing...one could not replace the other because of the emotional difference behind the two. I don't like masturbation because without the emotional connection I feel like it's a purely physical part sexual act, something I generally don't approve of.

However, what I meant was that if my husband had an affinity for porn and I didn't like him looking at other women I would ask him to use pictures of me instead. Imo, that's a little more 'faithful', though I don't think it to be cheating if the couple has agreed to it. Also, with that he is less likely to have issues with beginning to prefer the porn over me.

[shawmutt]

If you have to ask, yes it is cheating. If a person has to ask I infer that they have a guilty conscience about it, and that there's more to it than just watching a dirty movie.

I watch it, and I milk the bull as necessary, and my wife and I have a healthy sex life.

Now, I do feel guilty occasionally because I feel like I'm doing my part to exploit women, but that's another topic.