What should I do about my boys?

[Sappho]

Quote by: Marilyn Monroe I'd say it probably comes out, but she's just sad. She has an unrealistic view of what love is.

I'm not so sure that it does come out Marilyn. What is her outlet that you imagine, because I can't imagine it being her husband as it really should be. If she had an outlet, we would not be hearing about it here. You must conceed that her behaviour is most unusual. It is not normal to bemoan your family divisions in detail on a political/ social debate site.

Also, she sounds more than sad to me.

Her boys did what 99% of kids would do. They are normal, and love her very much.

Agreed. And I would say this is another trigger identifying that things are Not Quite Right here.

Everyone agrees with you except the mother. She beleives they should have been more than their humanity. She quesions the love they have for her. She compares their love for her with their love for the biological father. A mother comparring love? Yet as she explains herself, others can see otherwise. We can see in her own words and the words of her son, what she cannot see, and quite possibly refusing to see.

Quite possibly she has transposed the hatered of the father onto his sons. Why? Not sure. Maybe has something to do with the fathers threat to take them away from her......?

Whatever the case, she is not thinking straight. She is more than sad and we have no evidence anywhere that she has supportive people who can talk to her beyond us.

[Athena]

Quote by: NanaOP Yes, this is very true! I made the best decisions i could with the information I had at the time. I did not wake up every morning trying to hurt my sons. I was in love. I believed my 2nd husband when he says he loves me too and he will change. He would be good for a few months and then go back to being mean and cruel. We were only married 2 years before I was pregnant again. I had already quit my jobs because he said he would take care of me and the children. No one wanted to hire a 40 yo pregnant woman. I did not know how I would support 3 children on my own. My sons were teenagers not small little boys. My desire was to make a good home and make the marriage work - not get a divorce at first start of trouble. I was in love and thought we could work it out. My sons did not give the step-father a chance. THey never liked him. There was constant arguing. My boys always say I take the side of the step-father. My husband says I always take sides of the boys. I was always in the middle playing referree. My husband was not cruel overnight. It happened gradually over time. Our minister told me it was growing pains when you merge step family together. I thought things would be different when HIS son was born. My sons were jealous of the new baby. They cried how could I do this to them. They accuse me of giving the new baby too much attention and say I love him more than them. They were not happy. My husband was happy for awhile but he became mean again when I refused to move to another city to be away from all of my friends/family. When my 3rd son was 5 yrs old I decided to leave once and for all. I even went to a shelter for abused women. My other 2 boys already out of the house. But my little boy cried and cried that he loved his Daddy and didn't want a divorce. When you have arguments with your husband do you immediately say "divorce, divorce?"...or do you try to work it out? Very easy to say to someone - just leave. Look at your children and ask if it so simple to just divorce and go when they love their daddy and cry they don't want to leave. So I went to counselling with the minster and my husband did Promise Keepers and said we would be a family. He was good for 8 months....but he was using the time to move all of the accounts into his name, hide all of his assets. When he was finished he quit his job, laughed and dared me to divorce him. I would not get any alimony or child support money. If i worked i would have to support HIM. So I stayed in the marriage. Now my second husband is disabled and I still have to take care of him. We cannot afford a nursing home. He gambled away all of our savings. Even his other son (my step son) wants nothing to do with him. My sons know this. But they are so bitter at the step-father they forget about the pain and suffering their mother goes through. They just want me to leave. After 20 years they want me to divorce...and then what?

I wish you would give the virtues a try. We really need to stay out of your personal business and judging you. I can empathize with you a lot and think there is value in the issues you are bringing up. I sure wish you were around to comment in past threads when I attempted to discuss the issues. But we need to separate out our personal lives from our discussion of issues, or all our sticking opinions will come up and no good will come of it. Don't throw yourself on the alter as the sacrifical lamb, as you have done here. This is not the a good place for you to expose yourself. There is a forum for people over 50 that is a better place for you get the understanding and support you want. But here, despite the rules, people will eat you up and spit out. This will increase your pain and no good will come of it.

On the other hand, if we work with the virtues, everyone might gain something important. If you can't think of how the virtue of "unity" applies to your situation, pick another number and see if another virtue is more helpful to you at this time. It may take some time, but those who work with the virtues are usually blown away by helpful they are.

[Kamehameha34]

Great idea. She's already using us as a weapon against her sons - send her to a forum where she'll get actual agreement out of empathy :rolleyes:

[Athena]

I want to give you a warning. An unfortunate reality of suddenly having money can be serious trouble, and you might want to refocus on your role as a mother. Ultimatums will not get the desired results, and could drive such a wedge between you are your sons, that may multiple your sorrows. Sons can have children, and you might want extend your vision of your life to being a grandmother.

My biggest fear, if I were in your shoes, is what my sons might do that money. Many young people have blown their chance in life, by spending their windfall of money on drugs. What is their compass for life other than awareness of their own desires, their own good and bad feelings? The nation has gone into a period of selfishness that is greasing the path to hell. Well meaning psychogist are focussing us on our own desires. Our education has become exclusively materialist, and we left moral training to the church. For many reasons people have turned away from the church and are left with nothing but awareness of their own desires. This has resulted in serious social problems, and glutting ourselves with material things to satisfy our lust, and mind altering substances that can be addictive. Your pain can be far worse than it is now, if you don't turn your relationship with your sons around. I wish you would take another look at the virute unity and what the virtues can do for your family, now and a generation from now.

[NanaOP]

Quote by: Athena There is a forum for people over 50 that is a better place for you get the understanding and support you want. pick another number and see if another virtue is more helpful to you at this time. It may take some time, but those who work with the virtues are usually blown away by helpful they are.

Where is this forum?

I pick number 35

[saltinespike]

NanaOP, do you truly seek advice? Or do you seek for someone that will agree with you that your sons are evil? It's the latter, it seems. You are firmly set on what you plan to do, you just want to make sure you're not the only one who feels the way you do. Well, sorry to say, but here, you are the only one who feels that you are right.

[Athena]

Quote by: NanaOP Where is this forum? I pick number 35

Didn't want to abandon you, although I am taking a leave of absence.

#35 is Patience
"O you who believe, seek courage in fortitude and prayer, for God is with those who are patient and perserve." Al-Qyr'an 2:153

"Patience is quiet hope and expectation based on trust that, in the end, everything will be all right. Patience means waiting. It is enduring a delay or trouble situation without complaining. It means having self-control because you can't control the way someone else is acting or when things don't go as you'd like. Patience is being calm and tolerant when difficult things happen. Patience is seeing the end in the beginning.

I am practicing patience when I...
Calmly tolerate a delay or confusion
Am willing to wait for things I want
Set goals and stick with them until they are completed
Do something now that will help me in the future
Accept things I cannot control with humor and grace
Am gentle with others when they make mistakes

affirmations:
I am patient. I am gentle with others and myself when we make mistakes. I set goals and perservere until my goals are won. I trust God that all will be well.

[NanaOP]

Quote by: Athena Didn't want to abandon you, although I am taking a leave of absence. #35 is Patience "O you who believe, seek courage in fortitude and prayer, for God is with those who are patient and perserve." Al-Qyr'an 2:153 "Patience is quiet hope and expectation based on trust that, in the end, everything will be all right. Patience means waiting. It is enduring a delay or trouble situation without complaining. It means having self-control because you can't control the way someone else is acting or when things don't go as you'd like. Patience is being calm and tolerant when difficult things happen. Patience is seeing the end in the beginning. I am practicing patience when I... Calmly tolerate a delay or confusion Am willing to wait for things I want Set goals and stick with them until they are completed Do something now that will help me in the future Accept things I cannot control with humor and grace Am gentle with others when they make mistakes affirmations: I am patient. I am gentle with others and myself when we make mistakes. I set goals and perservere until my goals are won. I trust God that all will be well.

This one was very good. I am willing to be patient. I am only clarifying info because everybody is assuming all kinds of horrible things about me which is not true.

Telling me what an awful, selfish, horrible abusing mother I am is NOT giving advise. That is others opinion but it is not advise. Advise is giving a solution to a problem. But everyone here thinks this is a problem that cannot be fixed or should not be fixed (ie. my sons should stay far, far away from me).

I do not want that. I want to see my grandchildren. But my sons are stubborn and will not come to me. I am stubborn and will not go to them. Who moves first? I think it should be my sons because I have given them life. They need to honor their mother just like it says in the Bible. My father (their grandfather) told me many years ago that i should NEVER run after my children. They will return when they are ready. Obviously they are not ready. They still do not understand how hurt, angry, abandoned and alone I feel. Until they understand and apologize for making me feel like this, then how can any reconciliation be possible? I am willing to wait as long as it takes.

[saltinespike]

Well, I may have just heard the most ignorant statement on Volconvo. We have given you more than enough advice, which is pretty damn generous, for we could've just ignored you and left you to fend for yourself. Instead, we took time out of our day to give you good and constructive advice. Whether you choose to use the advice is up to you, but do not say that we did not offer you constructive advice.

"Go to your boys and apologize."
"Seek help from a counselor."
"Try to relieve your anger."

We are only giving you advice from the story we know, the story you provided us. Some people only insulted you, true, but it is highly unfair to say that nobody tried to help you. Your stubbornness is not our problem.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You should make the first move, since you have pushed them away for so many years. Put yourself on the other side of it. If you approached your mother, but she kept refusing your help, how long would it take you to just give up? You had YEARS to accept them, but you just kept refusing them. They gave up because you acted as if you do not love them. You practically told them that you don't think of them as your sons. That's pretty insulting. And after all that, all they put up with, once they say "shut up", you storm out on them. They have more than every right never to speak to you again, and it would be completely understandable. Just because you gave birth to them does not mean that you are justified in denying them. They are not animals, they are human beings.

Your father's quote is wrong, in my eyes. What if your boys were homeless? Would that quote still apply? Would you wait for them to come to you, begging? Or would you approach them, offering your home?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That is advice. And advice does not require sympathy. If you don't believe that advice will help you, I'm not sure what will.

[Athena]

Quote by: NanaOP This one was very good. I am willing to be patient. I am only clarifying info because everybody is assuming all kinds of horrible things about me which is not true. Telling me what an awful, selfish, horrible abusing mother I am is NOT giving advise. That is others opinion but it is not advise. Advise is giving a solution to a problem. But everyone here thinks this is a problem that cannot be fixed or should not be fixed (ie. my sons should stay far, far away from me). I do not want that. I want to see my grandchildren. But my sons are stubborn and will not come to me. I am stubborn and will not go to them. Who moves first? I think it should be my sons because I have given them life. They need to honor their mother just like it says in the Bible. My father (their grandfather) told me many years ago that i should NEVER run after my children. They will return when they are ready. Obviously they are not ready. They still do not understand how hurt, angry, abandoned and alone I feel. Until they understand and apologize for making me feel like this, then how can any reconciliation be possible? I am willing to wait as long as it takes.

I finally grasped the deeper meaning of being told not to criticize volconvo, so I am leaving and hope to control my urge to return. This greifs me deeply but I really do need to accept the hopelessness of my efforts here.

Before leaving, however, I want to tell how to use the information given you. What you do is focus on the card and say what it means to you. Not your circumstances or the boys. Just the virtue. In a Virtue Circle when you have completed your explanation, everyone in the circle would acknowledge a virtue you demonstrate.

Someone might say, "I honor you for your loyalty, because you are loyal to your family". Another might say, "I honor you for your honesty. You have been very honest with us". Another might say, "I honor you for your purposefulness, because your strong family values give you purposefulness".

It is amazing how we change when we do this week after week. Our lives may stay the same, but we begin to see them in such a different light, and then because we see things in a better light, those we care about are attracted to us.

PS, feel free to tear people apart in these forms. Say anything you want to say about them with complete disregard for their feelings. Just do not say anything that could be taken as criticism of volconvo, because this is not tolerated.

Good luck to you.

[Scoobydoo]

Dear Nana

I'm sorry for all you went through, and have been a single mom so I know how that feels. I will just offer what I got from teh post-

** it's hard to seperate our children from their father, but it's so important to do so. The anger you have for your ex is justified, but it seems like some of that has spilled out on your sons, almost as if your expecting them to make up for their father's sins. Try to keep in mind they never asked to be in that position, never signed up for the circumstances of divorce and single parent home,even though you provided everytihgn you could for them and sound like a good mom, but still, you have to realize, they were not in any way responsible for the circumstances- the adults were, mainly your ex, but not them, at all, period. I think single moms sometimes have to be aware of the tendency to somehow even w/o realizing it place some anger or blame on our kids. THey were just as much or more of a victim than you, growing up.

THey are very young and having been given money, dont have maturity maybe to handle it in a super mature way.
However, when I first read the post, I had the feeling that maybe the boys were going to give you more money later on, and just were still in the first stages of figuring out what to do with it, how much to save, etc. Because they're young that money will have to last a while, and they had never been faced with such amount of money- most of us havent

I would take some time and think about it, and consider going back to your sons and letting them know first off yo ulove them, and do not blame them for their dad's misdeeds, however ugly, they did not create that and should hear that from you. They may have sensed over the years that some blame, was placed on them indirectly. Even things like expecting them to be super grateful for your working long hours, yes that is veyr good you did that, but as kids, I mean, it's not really their job to do that, besides parents are supposed to take care of their kids, and the fact that job was left all up to you, however wrong, however hard, it wasnt their doing.
I guess that s my advice, to take some time, maybe talk to someone more about it to sort out your strong feelings and then go talk to your sons and start by reassuring them you love them and apologize of reassure them they had no responsibility or role to play in what their dad did, also you could acknowledge that getting alot of money like that is overwhelming esp for a young person.
That may put a different perspective to it, and help open the door for a healthier mom-sons relationship. I am sorry if I'm wrong here but just going by the post, it was my sense that somehow they felt responsible or some anger from you for what their dad did.

[NanaOP]

Quote by: Scoobydoo Dear Nana THey are very young and having been given money, dont have maturity maybe to handle it in a super mature way. However, when I first read the post, I had the feeling that maybe the boys were going to give you more money later on, and just were still in the first stages of figuring out what to do with it, how much to save, etc. Because they're young that money will have to last a while, and they had never been faced with such amount of money- most of us havent I would take some time and think about it, and consider going back to your sons and letting them know first off yo ulove them, and do not blame them for their dad's misdeeds, however ugly, they did not create that and should hear that from you. They may have sensed over the years that some blame, was placed on them indirectly. Even things like expecting them to be super grateful for your working long hours, yes that is veyr good you did that, but as kids, I mean, it's not really their job to do that, besides parents are supposed to take care of their kids, and the fact that job was left all up to you, however wrong, however hard, it wasnt their doing. I guess that s my advice, to take some time, maybe talk to someone more about it to sort out your strong feelings and then go talk to your sons and start by reassuring them you love them and apologize of reassure them they had no responsibility or role to play in what their dad did, also you could acknowledge that getting alot of money like that is overwhelming esp for a young person. That may put a different perspective to it, and help open the door for a healthier mom-sons relationship. I am sorry if I'm wrong here but just going by the post, it was my sense that somehow they felt responsible or some anger from you for what their dad did.

I do not know if i agree that my sons were too young. They are in the 30s already and i thought i raised them to know better. Maybe they did want to give more later. I do not know for sure. They say this to me but at the time did not act like it to me.

Everything else is good advise. I do not know about going to THEM. Maybe if my son comes to visit me on Mothers Day we can talk about it.

[Athena]

I am glad to see women who share life experiences in common using the wisdom we get only from experience, connecting with each other.

I hope if you see your boys on Mother's Day you use the virtues, especially...

the virtue of faithfulness
"Be faithful till death, and I will give you the crown of life" Revelations 2:10

Faithfulness is being true to someone or something. It is holding to what you believe is important no matter what happens. Faithfulness is commitment. When you are faithful to your beliefs, such as a belief in God, honesty or friendship, (or family unity) others can see your values in the way you act. You "walk your talk". When you are faithful, you make your ideals real.

I am practicing faithfulness when...
Listen to my heart when my beliefs are tested
Only make promises I can keep
Match my words and deeds
Keep my agreements
Do a job as carefully and fully as it needs to be done
Am loyal to my friends and family
Clear up problems face to face.

And the virtue peacefulness

"Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of God" Matthew 5:9

Peacefulness is an inner sense of calm that can come in moments of silent gratitude or prayer. It is a way of getting very quiet and looking at things so you can understand them. It is trusting that things will be all right. Peacefulness is giving up the love of power for the power of love. Peace in the world begins with peace in your heart.

I am practicing peacefulness when I...
Create inner peace, with regular time to pray and mediate
Give my worries to God and ask God's help in solving them
Use peaceful language, even when I am angry (or hurt) speak softly and gently
Avoid harming anyone ( or disrespecting them in any way)
Appreciate differences
Give up the love of power for the power of love

[Marilyn Monroe]

Quote by: NanaOP I do not know if i agree that my sons were too young. They are in the 30s already and i thought i raised them to know better. Maybe they did want to give more later. I do not know for sure. They say this to me but at the time did not act like it to me. Everything else is good advise. I do not know about going to THEM. Maybe if my son comes to visit me on Mothers Day we can talk about it.

They may not want the hubby to get his paws on any of it. What they give you in some way could become his if you buy furniture, a car, food. So small increments may be the best way for now.

Have a nice Mother's Day, and just enjoy that you have three good sons.:)

[NanaOP]

I made the effort of my own accord to go see my grandson last week. I took him to McDonalds. When I dropped him off my son came to my car and wanted to "talk". He told me that they change the baby name for his wife sake and it had nothing to do with me. My son said I acted like I didn't care about which name they pick. I told him not to lie to me to my face! To stop playing stupid and acting like it is no big deal. I told him I would have been HONORED to have my name in there but my son is too selfish to do this for me. They asked me to get my hopes up and then changed the minds at the church to humiliate me. It was another slap to my face just like the lotto money.

I told my son, "Everything between us, YOU have created with your selfishness and greed. YOU chose the money. YOU abandoned me and now YOU are upset with the reality you have created.....I will not be an after-thought in your life.....UNTIL I HOLD THE RIGHT PLACE IN YOUR HEART - THERE CAN NEVER BE PEACE BETWEEN US!"
He acted dumb like he does not know what i am talking about! "what do you mean ma? what do you mean ma?" acting all stupid and ignorant expecting me to spell it out for him. He still cannot see how his behaviour affected me! I told him to get out of my car and go home and think about it. He is a grown man. He needs to figure out how to make ammends. Until he does, he will always be a selfish, greedy little boy. He slammed my car door and ran off like a coward.

I told him honestly how i felt and he could not handle it. If he STILL after all this time doesn't know what he did wrong then he is more lost and pathetic than I thought.

Do do i have to spell it out for him?

- He chose the money over me
- He insulted me and told me to shut up
- He ignored me for many months
- He didn't even tell me his wife was expecting a baby until the shower
- He apologizes and asks me what i think about using my name for the baby - i say i am honored and then get to the church and the baby has a different name
- He refuses to see how he continues to hurt me

It is NOT ENOUGH JUST TO SAY "sorry ma" - RESTITUTION MUST BE MADE - if he cannot figure that out then he is dumber than i thought!

My sons did nothing for me for Mother's Day so now I told them they are out of my life for good.

I wish them luck but if this is how they treat their mother, what goes around, comes around. Their children will not respect them for shutting their grandma out of their lives.

Who needs this sh*t???

[Scribbler1]

Quote by: NanaOP My sons did nothing for me for Mother's Day so now I told them they are out of my life for good.

Lady, you just did them the biggest favor you could ever have done. Now you need to continue the favor and stay out of their lives, permanently.
You trash yous Son and expect ANYTHING for Mother's Day?? You've got a lot of guts, I'll give you that.

This is probably the funniest thread I've read in a long time.



I still want you to post the paper you're writing here.

[saltinespike]

Quote by: NanaOP I wish them luck but if this is how they treat their mother, what goes around, comes around. Their children will not respect them for shutting their grandma out of their lives. Who needs this sh*t???

I give up. Go ahead and be bitter all you want. But this quote is untrue. If you are shut out of their lives, I'm sure that they will forget about you. And I am sure you will be made the bad guy, which I think you are. But whatever. Not my problem anymore. Hope you had a super Mother's Day.

[gw120]

You trash yous Son and expect ANYTHING for Mother's Day?? You've got a lot of guts, I'll give you that.

Guts... or stupidity.

[Athena]

Quote by: NanaOP I made the effort of my own accord to go see my grandson last week. I took him to McDonalds. When I dropped him off my son came to my car and wanted to "talk". He told me that they change the baby name for his wife sake and it had nothing to do with me. My son said I acted like I didn't care about which name they pick. I told him not to lie to me to my face! To stop playing stupid and acting like it is no big deal. I told him I would have been HONORED to have my name in there but my son is too selfish to do this for me. They asked me to get my hopes up and then changed the minds at the church to humiliate me. It was another slap to my face just like the lotto money. I told my son, "Everything between us, YOU have created with your selfishness and greed. YOU chose the money. YOU abandoned me and now YOU are upset with the reality you have created.....I will not be an after-thought in your life.....UNTIL I HOLD THE RIGHT PLACE IN YOUR HEART - THERE CAN NEVER BE PEACE BETWEEN US!" He acted dumb like he does not know what i am talking about! "what do you mean ma? what do you mean ma?" acting all stupid and ignorant expecting me to spell it out for him. He still cannot see how his behaviour affected me! I told him to get out of my car and go home and think about it. He is a grown man. He needs to figure out how to make ammends. Until he does, he will always be a selfish, greedy little boy. He slammed my car door and ran off like a coward. I told him honestly how i felt and he could not handle it. If he STILL after all this time doesn't know what he did wrong then he is more lost and pathetic than I thought. Do do i have to spell it out for him? - He chose the money over me - He insulted me and told me to shut up - He ignored me for many months - He didn't even tell me his wife was expecting a baby until the shower - He apologizes and asks me what i think about using my name for the baby - i say i am honored and then get to the church and the baby has a different name - He refuses to see how he continues to hurt me It is NOT ENOUGH JUST TO SAY "sorry ma" - RESTITUTION MUST BE MADE - if he cannot figure that out then he is dumber than i thought! My sons did nothing for me for Mother's Day so now I told them they are out of my life for good. I wish them luck but if this is how they treat their mother, what goes around, comes around. Their children will not respect them for shutting their grandma out of their lives. Who needs this sh*t???

Well, it looks like you decided to forgot the virtues.

[Rinoa]

Nana-I'm not attempting to criticise, though it's hard to show that via the internet. While reading this post please take care to remember that I'm trying to help, though the form it comes in may not be as pleasant as you like.

I told him honestly how i felt and he could not handle it. If he STILL after all this time doesn't know what he did wrong then he is more lost and pathetic than I thought.

No, it's not that he couldn't handle it, it's that it a)came in the form of an attack and b) was not specific.

Do do i have to spell it out for him?

Yes you do. People cannot read minds, if something bothers you you do have to spell it out specifically. For example, when raising children instead of constantly telling them no(which can cause rebellion) it is often recommended that one format a "no-no" in this manner.

First, describe the exact behaviour that is unacceptable.

Second, state why it is unacceptable.

Third, state what the person should do instead.

Fourth, state what will happen if the behaviour is repeated. Now, in the case of adult sons the last one should not be implemented. They either listen out of respect and love or they don't, they are no longer children for you to punish.

From what I've read you have never done it in this simple format. Nor has it ever been a friendly discussion to express feelings. Instead, it's either a demand of retribution(fourth part of the format, a punishment...tsktsk) or an attack that only states that you are mad.

- He chose the money over me

Exactly how was it chosen over you? Did the father say "I'll give you money if you never speak to your mother again?" No, they didn't. It was a gift of love, given without strings. Did the children elect to give you a gift from that money regardless of how great/small/whatever that gift was? I'm pretty sure I remember reading that they did.

- He insulted me and told me to shut up

Why did he insult you? Why did he not want to hear what you were saying? What were his motivations?

- He ignored me for many months

Again, what was the motivation that caused him to ignore you? What happened, from his point of view, that would cause him to not want to speak with his mother?

- He didn't even tell me his wife was expecting a baby until the shower

Again, why wouldn't he? And, why didn't you simply say. "I really don't like that you didn't tell me sooner(1). I love you and your wife, and being excluded from such a big part of your life is really insulting to me. (2) Please try to include me more in future events, they are very important to me. (3)" That would have been a mature, adult response that would have received understanding and an apology.

- He apologizes and asks me what i think about using my name for the baby - i say i am honored and then get to the church and the baby has a different name

Again, consider the motivation, I'd like to know the full story of why he actually changed it? Have you thought of a reason beyond just trying to insult you? Perhaps he asked you that before oking it with his wife? Try an exercise for me. Come up with at least three reasons for him to use another name that do not hint at hurting you specifically. As for not telling you until the church perhaps he was so excited to be on speaking terms with his mother that he didn't want to ruin it any sooner than he had to?

- He refuses to see how he continues to hurt me

Perhaps it's not that he 'refuses to see', perhaps it's that a simple, emotionally neutral explanation of him hurting you has not been given. Try the format I just gave you.

It is NOT ENOUGH JUST TO SAY "sorry ma" - RESTITUTION MUST BE MADE - if he cannot figure that out then he is dumber than i thought!

Classic woman mistake. Assuming that everyone knows exactly what they did to offend you and exactly how to make it up to you without you having to tell them. It has nothing to do with their stupidity, it has to do with the human inability to mindread.

My sons did nothing for me for Mother's Day so now I told them they are out of my life for good.

Whoops on them...you're right, a simple card in the mail would have been nice, but the scene that occured when you dropped off the grandbaby probably ruined that.

I wish them luck but if this is how they treat their mother, what goes around, comes around. Their children will not respect them for shutting their grandma out of their lives.

Ummm...Actually their children won't care. As harsh of a truth as this is...Grandma pretty much wasn't around to begin with. How can they miss someone they never knew? They might realise that your son should have a mom when they reach about the age of eight...But by that time your son will only have to say that 'Grandma made some interesting desicions, and one was that she doesn't like to come around anymore.' And they will go on, not missing a thing. So really the only person you're punishing with this? You.