What should I do about my boys?

[Marilyn Monroe]

Quote by: Athena Folks, I think you mean well, but you are being a bit judgemental and harsh. How many of you have walked in her shoes?

"how sharper than a serpent's tooth is an ungrateful child." I think we've all been there.

[saltinespike]

Quote by: Athena Folks, I think you mean well, but you are being a bit judgemental and harsh. How many of you have walked in her shoes?

We are just basing our opinions with what she has been giving us. Call it what you will, but I mean what I said. I know she is stressed but coming to a debate forum in a time like that isn't the brightest decision, especially if she wasn't expecting criticism.

[Sappho]

I think the woman is seriously mentally unstable and the best thing we can do now is ignore her so that she is forced to find another, more noticable outlet for her dispair, so that others around her might see how ill she is.

She needs help and our involvement in her dispair is keeping it hidden from those directly in contact with her, beyond the internet.

[Marilyn Monroe]

Quote by: Sappho I think the woman is seriously mentally unstable and the best thing we can do now is ignore her so that she is forced to find another, more noticable outlet for her dispair, so that others around her might see how ill she is. She needs help and our involvement in her dispair is keeping it hidden from those directly in contact with her, beyond the internet.

I'd say it probably comes out, but she's just sad. She has an unrealistic view of what love is.

Her boys did what 99% of kids would do. They are normal, and love her very much.

Remember also, their Dad didn't have to give them anything.

:)

[NanaOP]

Quote by: Marilyn Monroe "how sharper than a serpent's tooth is an ungrateful child." I think we've all been there.

Yes, this is very true!

I made the best decisions i could with the information I had at the time. I did not wake up every morning trying to hurt my sons. I was in love. I believed my 2nd husband when he says he loves me too and he will change. He would be good for a few months and then go back to being mean and cruel. We were only married 2 years before I was pregnant again. I had already quit my jobs because he said he would take care of me and the children. No one wanted to hire a 40 yo pregnant woman. I did not know how I would support 3 children on my own.

My sons were teenagers not small little boys. My desire was to make a good home and make the marriage work - not get a divorce at first start of trouble. I was in love and thought we could work it out. My sons did not give the step-father a chance. THey never liked him. There was constant arguing. My boys always say I take the side of the step-father. My husband says I always take sides of the boys. I was always in the middle playing referree. My husband was not cruel overnight. It happened gradually over time. Our minister told me it was growing pains when you merge step family together.

I thought things would be different when HIS son was born. My sons were jealous of the new baby. They cried how could I do this to them. They accuse me of giving the new baby too much attention and say I love him more than them. They were not happy. My husband was happy for awhile but he became mean again when I refused to move to another city to be away from all of my friends/family. When my 3rd son was 5 yrs old I decided to leave once and for all. I even went to a shelter for abused women. My other 2 boys already out of the house. But my little boy cried and cried that he loved his Daddy and didn't want a divorce.

When you have arguments with your husband do you immediately say "divorce, divorce?"...or do you try to work it out?

Very easy to say to someone - just leave. Look at your children and ask if it so simple to just divorce and go when they love their daddy and cry they don't want to leave.

So I went to counselling with the minster and my husband did Promise Keepers and said we would be a family. He was good for 8 months....but he was using the time to move all of the accounts into his name, hide all of his assets. When he was finished he quit his job, laughed and dared me to divorce him. I would not get any alimony or child support money. If i worked i would have to support HIM.

So I stayed in the marriage. Now my second husband is disabled and I still have to take care of him. We cannot afford a nursing home. He gambled away all of our savings. Even his other son (my step son) wants nothing to do with him.

My sons know this. But they are so bitter at the step-father they forget about the pain and suffering their mother goes through. They just want me to leave. After 20 years they want me to divorce...and then what?

[Marilyn Monroe]

Quote by: NanaOP So I stayed in the marriage. Now my second husband is disabled and I still have to take care of him. We cannot afford a nursing home. He gambled away all of our savings. Even his other son (my step son) wants nothing to do with him. My sons know this. But they are so bitter at the step-father they forget about the pain and suffering their mother goes through. They just want me to leave. After 20 years they want me to divorce...and then what?

Exactly! Tough to do. I'm not big on divorce, but might have been if I was more independant, and had more skills.

I still say the boys love you, so I'd just let it all go with time. They seem to know you are unhappy, so this is good.

Good luck to you!:)

[gw120]

He gambled away all of our savings.

Sounds to me your sons were right and you should have divorced him.

[jose]

oh wow its never you that is the problem,is it? have you ever considered the law of attraction? what you most think about becomes your life

[Marilyn Monroe]

Quote by: gw120 Sounds to me your sons were right and you should have divorced him.

The kids didn't know. They just didn't like him.

Hindsight is 20/20.

That was funny what you sid, though!

[Rinoa]

NanaOP: What a sad situation, divorce is so traumatic, and I apologise that you had to have that experience. However, you were strong. You provided for your sons until youwere able to move on and find a new man to help you. In another hard turn, this man wasn't able to give you the partnership a marriage requires. I hope you two are able to work on that, did you utilize marriage counseling to assist you, or does he still hide wages? If he does I'd consider that as a great tool in teaching the two of you to be better mates.

It's also not easy to watch your sons 'forgive' that man instead of standing by you, you feel that they have taken sides against you and used money to try and make you feel better about it. But, were they really doing those things to hurt you? Or maybe they thought that things around the house that needed repairing should be decided by you, since it is your home. As for it taking them so long, maybe that's because it took awhile become apparent that your ex would not be willing to share with you. They weren't gonna stand by while their mom was left out, but thought that he would be able to give more, and hoped it might happen.

Lastly, to allow this feud to come between you and your grandbaby is sad. Don't hold your love from someone you know is blameless. Any time you have oppurtunity to see your grandbaby, be the strong one and take it!

[saltinespike]

NanaOP,

I am happy to say that you are sounding a bit more rational now, because you are not being bitter or angry at anyone, just presenting the facts. It seems that his charm has overruled your logic. There is nothing else holding you back from leaving, other than that you are unstable. Nobody likes him but you, and you only like him some of the time. Your sons did not give him a chance because they were not grown adults, capable of hiding their feelings and missing their birth father. I remember that the idea of having a step-father was offending to me and an insult to my father (natural pride, couldn't help it). My stepdad tried and tried to be good to me, and his efforts paid off. I respect my stepfather more than my real father. Did their stepfather try to be good to them? Did their stepfather treat them with respect, or did he demand respect from them, even though he barely knew them. The second they disrespected him, there was a big arguement? Teaching by intimidation (not being grounded, like threatening to beat a child) is a horrible tactic, and any child psychologist would agree. I'm not saying you should not have been strict, but he should at least provide the child with respect, even if they disrespected him. If not, it could lead to further disrespect of the man (as what is happening), fear, anger, etc. Him basically stealing from you does not help the respect factor as far as your boys go.

[NanaOP]

my sons were very angry after divorce from their father who was not there for them. Boys need a man in their life but they say they will never love the new husband or call him dad. They did not like the strict discipline, the curfews, no hanging at the mall with friends etc. School and church only. They did not give him a chance. Only constant arguments with me in the middle.

I NEVER ABUSED MY SONS!!!!! They were just rebellious and didn't want the discipline. When i was working 2-3 jobs on my own trying to raise them they had much free, unsupervised time. They were on keys and had to come home straight from school and do the homework. THey watched much TV b/c they could not leave the house. I could not afford to send them to sports and buy them all of the fancy toys they wanted like their friends.

Yes, it is true i dated other men that my sons liked better - that is because they were immature and acted like teenage boys themselves. I already had been married to an immature man - their FATHER - so i did not marry these men. My sons needed a MAN who would be serious and responsible. Not all fun and games. Yes, finances also was a consideration. He promised to for provide me and my boys so i could be home with them and they could do the sports etc.

But after we got married my sons did not want to do what their step dad wanted them to do. Every day he come home from work and my sons were on the couches watching TV and playing video games. He wanted them to go outside and rake leaves and do the chores. They did not want to do this. So there was arguments. My husband tells me my sons are lazy. My sons say the step-dad is too rigid and strict. There was no winning.

Now i only have my 3rd son still at home going to college soon. He raised with the same rules and is a very nice boy. He has very good grades, plays piano, many awards in sports and wants to be a doctor. He tells me all the time how much he loves me and not to worry becaue he will look after me when I am old. He has more character than my first 2 sons put together. My other boys are jealous of him because i could stay home with him and give him more attention.

After 20 years my husband now is better to live with . I do not love him anymore so his words do not bother me anymore but I have to stay to take care of him with his disability.

[saltinespike]

Physical abuse is not the only kind of abuse. Mental abuse can harm one much more.

It is quite common for someone to change their lifestyle abruptly and practically without warning to be mentally unstable. They are a product of how you raised them. Or how you didn't raise them. I am not blaming you. You did what you could to keep a roof over their heads, but they did not have to take responsibility.

Then, within a few months (or years), they were told to do all kinds of chores. Of course they would not want to, because they never had to take responsibility before. They could have gradually been introduced to chores, little by little, eventually covering most of them. This would've been a much better strategy. This could have eliminated the arguements, the disrespect, and saved the both of you a lot of hassle.

The reason your son is not like your other two boys is because he was raised the same way his whole life (well, so far). He ALWAYS had to do chores. He dealt with his dad ever since he could think rationally. His environment has not changed.

You're boys are what you made them. They picked money from an ignorant father over no money with a mentally abusive stepfather. I still believe their choice was the right one.

You must remember that children are not as mentally strong as adults. They are weaker and are not ready for abrupt change. That just beats them up, mentally.

[NanaOP]

Quote by: saltinespike NanaOP, Did their stepfather try to be good to them? Did their stepfather treat them with respect, or did he demand respect from them, even though he barely knew them. The second they disrespected him, there was a big arguement? Teaching by intimidation (not being grounded, like threatening to beat a child) is a horrible tactic, and any child psychologist would agree. I'm not saying you should not have been strict, but he should at least provide the child with respect, even if they disrespected him. If not, it could lead to further disrespect of the man (as what is happening), fear, anger, etc. Him basically stealing from you does not help the respect factor as far as your boys go.

My husband was a very serious man and many years older than me when i married him. He was not into sports and games...just reading the newspaper and working.

He was also very rich but very cheap. He did not show this when we were dating...he was very generous and constantly offering to purchase gifts for me...but i refused. Maybe if I had taken up on his offers then i would see how stingy he is with his money.

My husband did not physically hurt my sons. He would complain to me and leave it to me to do the grounding. He wanted respect but my sons would not give it to him because they said he was cheap. He was very stingy. He never gave them any spending money. My boys did not like how I did not have any spending monies either. I would buy groceries and write extra cheques for cash....then later I had to submit the receipts so he could see what I buy and did not buy. Unless i worked I did not have any spending monies. He paid for the house, util. food, car, insurance, etc. He was not an easy man to live with with his cheapness.

He did not like noise so we did not have the friends over at our house. But my sons were in the church programs and could see friends there.

[saltinespike]

That does not answer the main purpose of the post. Did he provide them with respect?

[NanaOP]

Quote by: saltinespike You're boys are what you made them. They picked money from an ignorant father over no money with a mentally abusive stepfather. I still believe their choice was the right one. You must remember that children are not as mentally strong as adults. They are weaker and are not ready for abrupt change. That just beats them up, mentally.

My boys chose the money from ignorant father over no money and relationship with their mother who raised them.

I know what change does to children. That is why i did not leave my second marriage. I did not want my 3rd son to go through what my first two boys went through. My sons were traumatized from the divorce. They were very angry at their father, me, the whole situation. So I stayed in the marriage for the sake of my 3rd son. He needed his father even if I did not love him anymore - I stayed for HIS sake. THAT IS SACRIFICE. Putting aside the wants/desires for the better good of the child.

[NanaOP]

Quote by: saltinespike That does not answer the main purpose of the post. Did he provide them with respect?

HOw do you mean? He provided food,clothing, shelter. THe basics. He was not a big ball of fun, fun, fun. My sons could not understand this. THey thought he was too old, strict and cheap. They did not respect him. Children need to respect the elders - not visa versa.

[saltinespike]

I know that this is merely impossible to do, but the boys may have been better off not having been through your second marriage. I imagine that they were planning to get out ASAP anyways, their father's offer was just an escape with some added whip cream.

[saltinespike]

Quote by: NanaOP HOw do you mean? He provided food,clothing, shelter. THe basics. He was not a big ball of fun, fun, fun. My sons could not understand this. THey thought he was too old, strict and cheap. They did not respect him. Children need to respect the elders - not visa versa.

You DEFINITELY need to respect a child if you expect respect back. Big no no. Children are not slaves. You cannot just order them around. Treat others how you would like to be treated. Age does not matter.

[Kamehameha34]

You're going to be a very lonely person (even moreso than now), if you constantly treat your children like dirt and then expect immutable respect from them.