What should I do about my boys?

[NanaOP]

I have nothing left to say. I have said my peace.

As for the "abuse". I diciplined him for speaking disrespectfully to his elders. I was strict with them and they did not understand the dicipline. I did not want them to hang out with the wrong boys so they are mad that I did not like their friends. Yes it is true that I told him to go to social services if he wanted to leave. There he could live in a group home and see what real abuse was. Not the few slaps he got at home for back-talk.

At the dinner, yes - I told both him and his brother that I am ashamed of them and how they are acting. They told me to shut up! So I left. I do not care what he says, I am his mother and he is my son. He has no right to tell me to shut up!!!! I brought him into the world and I can take him out. I returned the flowers and letter also. If he wants to speak to me he should not hide behind an envelope. But he is a coward. He has no clue about respect for his elders and what loyalty means.

If my son wants to tell people that I am a bad mother that is his problem. This is how he wants to remember all of my years of sacrifice. I did the best that I could for them. It was not easy.

Unless you have lived my life and walked in my shoes it is easy to judge.

[Kamehameha34]

I do not care what he says, I am his mother and he is my son.

I think this sums up your position perfectly. You show them no respect whatsoever, and you condemn them for not breaking down the door to your house to give you all of their money.

[NanaOP]

Quote by: Scribbler1 I personally feel they would be better off if you stopped playing games and got out of their lives for good.

I have already told him not to bother contacting me until he learns what respect for elders and mothers is.

Honor thy father and mother - 5th commandment.

He has no clue!

[Scribbler1]

Quote by: NanaOP If my son wants to tell people that I am a bad mother that is his problem.

You posted his letter. You didn't have to do that, and it CERTAINLY didn't help your case.

Unless you have lived my life and walked in my shoes it is easy to judge.

Excuse me? Wasn't it YOU who was seeking advice? Well, you got it, as well as quite a few sincere expressions of sympathy.

Are you just sore because nobody on this forum took your side and said what a louse your Son is , while you have been a saint through all this?

[Scribbler1]

Quote by: NanaOP I have already told him not to bother contacting me until he learns what respect for elders and mothers is.

I hope he's learned something by now. As stubborn, bitter and inflexible as you appear to be, it might not be worth it to reach out to you any more.

Honor thy father and mother - 5th commandment.

Your Son is a grown man. Honor is a two-way street now.

He has no clue!

It must be genetic, then.

[saltinespike]

Quote by: NanaOP Unless you have lived my life and walked in my shoes it is easy to judge.

Were you not seeking a judge? Or were you seeking someone who would revolve around you and sympathize you? This is a debate forum, not a... counseling center. We will tell you like it is.

Quote by: NanaOP I have already told him not to bother contacting me until he learns what respect for elders and mothers is.

Do you consider respect cramming your opinion down his throat and not letting him express his? If me and you were having a conversation, two adults, one on one. I kept expressing my opinions and telling you that I was right and you were wrong. Every time you tried speaking, I told you to shut up. Do you disagree that at some point, you would snap and say "YOU SHUT UP!! LET ME TALK!!" This is what you are doing to them. Pushing them closer to the edge and not caring where the edge is. Stop being so self-centered.

Quote by: NanaOP Honor thy father and mother - 5th commandment.

Quite the hypocrite. The bible also mentions not holding grudges, not hating, treat others how they would treat you, etc.

I feel bad for your boys.

[NanaOP]

Quote by: saltinespike Quite the hypocrite. The bible also mentions not holding grudges, not hating, treat others how they would treat you, etc. I feel bad for your boys.

How do i have horrible behaviour? Everyone here has a mother! How would you feel if you raised your kids the best you could and they ran off to the one man who abandoned them as a child and told everyone you were a bad mother? There can NEVER be peace between me and my ex. NEVER! My children can choose to forget what he put us through but i cannot. He threatened to kill us all and himself during the divorce. He tampered with my car so i could not pick the boys up from school. He stalked me everywhere i went. He went to the bank and emptied all of our bank accounts, racked up the credit lines - even stole the boys piggy-banks from their rooms. I had to beg and borrow money from friends just to pay the mortgage and put food on the table.

He made over $2500/month in his business (30 yrs ago that was a lot of money)...but he lied to the judge and said his business was broke and showed him false books so he wouldn't have to pay too much support. Even that he wouldn't pay.

And then he came to me to tell me that when the boys were men he would come back and take them from me...AND HE DID - JUST LIKE HE SAID HE WOULD...so i'm sorry if my son cannot/will not understand why i will not be in the same room as his father anymore. I am too old to do things i no longer want to do.

Think of someone who you absolutely cannot tolerate and ask if you would want to be in the same room as them every month...listening to them make fun of you and make stupid jokes at your expense. I don't thnk you would like that very much!

I am not going to sue my ex. I am not going to beg him for money that he owes me. He knows what he did was wrong and he will have to answer before God for it.

My sons have NO LOYALTY. Yes! I made them choose what is more important to them? Their mother or their father and his money? They chose the money. If the devil came and offered you $1M tomorrow, would you take it? That is a true test of the character. Not too many people would pass this test I think. Money makes everyone blind. People say, "oh, who cares if its the devil, i need money for my family to pay my bills"....so they take the money and sell the souls. If my ex did not win the lotto he would be the same cheap, loser he always was and always will be. My sons cannot see this. Maybe one day they will open their eyes and SEE just the type of man he is and not just see the money.

I don't want ANYTHING from my sons if they used my ex money to buy it. I do not want to contaminate my house with his trinkets. Would you accept a diamond ring if it was a bloody diamond (african diamond?) This is why i do not accept gifts from my sons. The money is dirty and from the blood, sweat and tears my ex caused us and never paid a cent when it counted. The money he gave them is just to ease his guilty conscience. My sons (if they had ANY CHARACTER) would have ripped up the cheque in his face....but they just saw all of the zeros and their brains fell out.

My son come and ask me when his baby is born if i would like to have my name in there...i told him i would be honored...and then i found out at the church that they named the baby something else! Another slap to my face just to humiliate me in public. I cannot take anymore hurts from my boys. And they wonder why i avoid their events as much as possible.

[Kamehameha34]

First, you were mad at them for not giving you the money. Now, you're mad at them for taking it.

It seems like you're only happy if you're the one with the money.

[saltinespike]

I think you deserved a slap in the face after all the slaps you gave them. You openly insult them, in front of them and behind their backs. You wouldn't have appreciated if your name was in there. You just want more, more, more. You are the most selfish person I have heard of. Their father went up to them and apologized to them like a man.

You seem pretty set on your views, so why do you come to us? You are slowing down the forum just so you can argue that you are the most important person in the world. Our attempts to try to reason with you have gone to waste. It seems you will never come around.

I would suggest to anyone about to reply to this thread, do not. Your efforts will go to waste. You could and should spend your time elsewhere, doing something constructive.

[NanaOP]

The only advice i've received is that i should sue my ex for back child support which i will not do.

Other than that, i have not received any good advice. Just people insulting me, i'm a bitter selfish person, i'm wrong, i'm a bad mother.

If someone has some good advice on what specific things i should do then they should speak up.

[Scribbler1]

Quote by: NanaOP The only advice i've received is that i should sue my ex for back child support which i will not do. Other than that, i have not received any good advice. Just people insulting me, i'm a bitter selfish person, i'm wrong, i'm a bad mother.

That WAS good advice. Stop BEING those things and try to make peace with your REAL family.

If someone has some good advice on what specific things i should do then they should speak up.

Get therapy. You have poisoned your relationship with your sons.

And by therapy, I mean NOT a politics forum on the Internet. And I still think there's a good possibility you're a fraud anyway. That letter from your "son" reads as if YOU wrote it.
Let me know when the book comes out.

I have nothing more to say to you.

[Kamehameha34]

We've told you. Stop rejecting your sons.

They will never give back the money their father gave them. Resign yourself to that fact. Expecting them to do so, and making that a requirement for you to love them is something a bad mother would do.

You're the only one being driven crazy by the money.

[saltinespike]

Quote by: NanaOP The only advice i've received is that i should sue my ex for back child support which i will not do. Other than that, i have not received any good advice. Just people insulting me, i'm a bitter selfish person, i'm wrong, i'm a bad mother. If someone has some good advice on what specific things i should do then they should speak up.

Do we need to repeat? Ok. Apologize to your sons. Go to counseling. But I doubt those things will happen, which is why I told people that trying to reason with you and give you advice is pointless and a waste of time.

[Jack]

Everyone here has a mother!

True, and many of us have been lucky enough to have her around well after we became adults. That has given me a chance to see just how influential her attitudes were in shaping my own. Your children didn't grow up in a vacuum. In fact you admit they didn't grow up around their father. So what they are now is due in large part to the way you brought them up, the attitudes they learned from you. This brings to mind another Biblical quote, Galatians 6:7 "As you sow, so shall you reap". Other cultures may mention karma. It all means the same thing. You are now receiving the fruit of your earlier life.

Thus the only realistic solution is to quit living in the past and move on. You may greedily expect money from your kids, but I don't see where you are legally entitled to a dime. Your life is your own making. Your attitudes shape the reality you perceive. If you wish to go on being a bitter, estranged person, go ahead. But you shouldn't expect any pity for choosing such a path. Or you can put the past behind you and get on with a positive attitude and an intention to make the present moment one of peace and happiness. The choice is all yours. No one else is responsible for your frame of mind. If you choose to be bitter and resentful, at least accept that you have made that choice. No one else is forcing you into it. You're an adult. Blaming everyone else for your condition is childish behavior, an irresponsible attitude.

[Athena]

Quote by: NanaOP The only advice i've received is that i should sue my ex for back child support which i will not do. Other than that, i have not received any good advice. Just people insulting me, i'm a bitter selfish person, i'm wrong, i'm a bad mother. If someone has some good advice on what specific things i should do then they should speak up.

Excuse me, but you chose a virtue card and I typed it in letter by letter and I do not see your response to that card. I promise you if you work with the virtues, your problems will be resolved. Are you willing to give the virtues a chance? There are 52 of them. The first one you chose is unity. What is your response to that card?

I repeat, by the time you work through these cards, your problems will be resolved. I have no doubt of that.

[StrongHeartsWin]

Quote by: NanaOP If someone has some good advice on what specific things i should do then they should speak up.

For starters, NanaOP, you may want to consider giving your son the URL to this site so that he can give us the other side of the argument. You posted his letter and in that he stated that you would not tell him where you were posting it. Why not? You only want us to hear your side and for us to trust that the letter you posted was not altered in any way or parts of it deleted?

Other than that, I think I have seen good advice offered to you here. You need to go back and re-read the posts.

[Marilyn Monroe]

Quote by: StrongHeartsWin For starters, NanaOP, you may want to consider giving your son the URL to this site so that he can give us the other side of the argument. You posted his letter and in that he stated that you would not tell him where you were posting it. Why not? You only want us to hear your side and for us to trust that the letter you posted was not altered in any way or parts of it deleted? Other than that, I think I have seen good advice offered to you here. You need to go back and re-read the posts.

I agree with SHW, and mostly everybody else.

You say you sacrificed for your kids, or did you do it for yourself? This is where you have deluded yourself.

Kids are never going to hate the other parent just because you want them to.

Maybe your ex was an idiot, and I don't doubt it, but you have to show the kids you are the better person, whether they see it or not is up to them, but I think they are doing what is best for them, and you can't begrudge them that, and yes, money is important. If someone offered me a million bucks I think it would be wise to take it even if you gave most to charity.

You seem to want to hate someone or be angry, and this may be because you're angry at yourself. Forgive yourself, the boys, and try to be happy. Get an anti-depressant. The menopause can do crazy things to a woman.

You can get over this with time.:)

[jose]

[quote=NanaOP;370800]

i'm a bitter selfish person, i'm wrong, i'm a bad mother.

QUOTE]
oh and a bad wife too, your life has played out as you wanted it to

[jose]

payback is a ?

[Athena]

Folks, I think you mean well, but you are being a bit judgemental and harsh.

How many of you have walked in her shoes?