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Apr 15, 2007, 06:39 am
| #22 (permalink) (top) |
| Retired  Posts: 7,312 | I think it's a huge respect to you that they want to take time out of their lives and go to counseling. You should go with them, and be just as willing to hear their issues as you are to address your own. "...with like-minded people one cannot discuss. With like-minded people one can only participate in a church service, and you know how I feel about church services." Ayaan Hirsi Ali |
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Apr 15, 2007, 10:15 pm
| #23 (permalink) (top) |
| Stabbed By Satan  Location: Toronto, Ontario Posts: 247 | You're confusing me, first you're angry because they didn't give you anything, than you're angry because they give you money. Economic Left/Right: -9.25 Social Libertarian/Authoritarian: -5.79 Reality is fantasy; Facts are perception. |
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Apr 16, 2007, 12:29 am
| #24 (permalink) (top) |
| Open the cages!  Posts: 1,817 | NanaOP, why don`t you e-mail them a link to your thread here and ask them to read it. Perhaps you are better at texting your full emotions and hurts on this issue than relaying it to them personally. Sometimes text has a way of ringing more forcefully in one`s ear and mind than spoken words. With text, one must read and take it in as a stream without being able to interrupt. Because all this is personal testimoney and none of us can verify if your take on it is the accurate one, I don`t think we can give you the best advice possible. Perhaps you just want someone to listen to your hurt and sympathise. I feel sorry for your situation and hope that you and your sons can find a way to heal this rift between you. Best wishes -- SHW "FREE ME", song video by Goldfinger "Nothing will benefit human health and increase chances for survival of life on Earth as much as the evolution to a vegetarian diet." --Albert Einstein |
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Apr 16, 2007, 12:11 pm
| #25 (permalink) (top) | |
| dog lover  Location: over the rainbow Posts: 1,367 | Quote:
I think as a mother you need to put the anger aside and be grateful your boys have some moola and they seem like they are being careful with it. Money is a real destroyer of relationships. Take the high road. Wish them all the best and just go on as best you can. Try to be happy. I'd definitely go for counseling, so you can put the cards on the table. "My one regret in life is that I'm not somebody else." - Woody Allen | |
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Apr 16, 2007, 02:55 pm
| #27 (permalink) (top) | |
| Sedimentary Rock Posts: 19 | Quote:
I stayed so my 3rd son would not come from broken home like my other 2 boys. Now my boys telling me they are glad my ex won instead of their step-father...if my current husband won the lotto, I would get 1/2...so obvioiusly my sons think it is better for my ex to have the money than ME. Better their dad who did not raise them than their mother who did everything for them. I told them how much it hurt my feelings but they do not understand...they even tell me they only give me 'some' money b/c they don't want the stepdad to know about it. They wanted to open a seperate account and give me money in there....Why? Why the judgements? WHy the conditions? Why they don't just give what they want to give and treat me with RESPECT like an adult? Why all of the secrecy and lies? I told them my marriage is NONE of their business! Who are they to judge me? This is my marriage now. I am trying to make it work for the sake of my other 2 boys. If they want me to divorce before they will give me money... i will not do that! If they do not want to share it OPENLY with me AND the step-dad AND their half/step brothers then i don't want any part of it...they can keep their precious money and sell their souls. My sons are the ones putting "conditions" on their gifts - not me. They can keep it! They reject ONE person in my marriage/family, they reject ALL Of us! It hurts to know they do not accept/love/support me but i will survive without them like i always do. | |
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Apr 16, 2007, 03:36 pm
| #28 (permalink) (top) |
| Moderator/nobody  Posts: 1,566 | It sounds as if you already decided what to do about "your boys". You are projecting your misery on them - no wonder they left that house as soon as they could. The gift they offered you, you threw back in their face. They don't have to live by your expectations, I think you are the one that has a problem. You stay so your son won't come from a broken home, but you easily let your other two sons to grow up in a troubled broken home. (I'm sure that they were treated as less than a real son by your present husband) If you cared about your children half as much as it seems your care about yourself, maybe you could have found a way to build a happy home. A single mom raising her family is less stress filled that the environment you created. You bait for us to see your side, I see a self centered mother who plays the victim card. You obviously didn't "do everything for them" you are still in that abusive environment aren't you. Live Long and Prosper (Genetics and Capitalism) |
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Apr 16, 2007, 06:15 pm
| #29 (permalink) (top) |
| 20-20 Atheist  Location: Las Vegas, NV Posts: 466 | As everyone else has mentioned, you keep shoving their way of showing respect right in their faces, every single time. Your sons obviously don't like your stepfather and knows that he would take the money (you even said it yourself!), so they tried to give YOU money. They're trying to bring YOU up without the weight that keeps dragging you down (their stepfather). First, you victimized yourself against your husband, and now you are saying that you want to share with him, when (according to your original message) you very well know that he will steal it all. You may be the victim of some, but the world is not out to get you. The world has bigger issues. I believe that your sons are the victim in all of this, because you are indirectly attacking them by subconsciously saying "have your respect back, I don't need it." You want them to sympathize you, but what they are doing is not good enough. They DO get to set the conditions, because they are the ones approaching you. You have absolutely no right to set the conditions because you have never even thought of approaching them. You have not seeked a relationship with them. They have always seeked a relationship with you, which is some of the deepest respects you can pay. You directly disrespect them while they indirectly respect you, which I am surprised to hear at this point. If you truly want to set the conditions, how about you send THEM a gift for a change. The best they could hope for nowadays is an apology, but they doubt you respect them enough to give them one. Torture is the gradual elimination of emotions. |
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Apr 16, 2007, 07:43 pm
| #30 (permalink) (top) | |||||||
| Skeptical Patriot  Posts: 7,832 | Quote:
If it's a lousy relationship the kid WILL see this and it will hurt him more than you staying together for "his" sake. They see a lot more than you think. Just remember back to your own childhood and the things you saw (good or bad) that your parents didn't think you knew. Quote:
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And you cannot demand respect, ever. Quote:
If you hear their side and still don't agree, politely tell them so and tell them nicely that you don't want their money. Quote:
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And it appears you are deliberately shutting them out of your life. It sounds like you desperately need counseling, and LISTEN to the counselor this time. Forgive me for seeming harsh, but I don't think you have a lot of time left. Not a day goes by that I don't see something that reinforces my belief that people are idiots. | |||||||
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Apr 17, 2007, 12:50 am
| #31 (permalink) (top) | ||||||||
| Igneous Magma  Posts: 256 | Quote:
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I had a duty to my children to protect them from harm - physical, spiritual and psychological harm. Staying in a dangerous and psychologically tourturous relationship was not protecting my children from harm. Those who stay within such disruptive and damaging relationships should expect their children to up and leave quickly. You did your boys no favours and so they left. Quote:
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And if it does have something to do with you, then they don't want you getting it because you are the cause of their miserable existance with their step father because you wouldn't leave the disfunction alone. You went back to it time and again to your sons detriment. Quote:
Be reasonable here.... think from their perspective if you want to understand them. Quote:
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It's offensive that a man who has treated you so poorly, as witness by your older sons, should have to be included in your boys family just because you say so. You show no regard for their feelings or their history of hurts. You allow no middle ground. You willfully give up your former children in preference of a man that has not been good to you. Like I said before. Get counselling. You seriously need it. You are not thinking properly in this matter. You need an outside mind to help YOU to understand, so that understanding might be reached between you and your two boys, lest the whole mess become irreconcillable. | ||||||||
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Apr 17, 2007, 02:27 pm
| #32 (permalink) (top) |
 Igneous Magma Location: Massachusetts, USA Posts: 422 | you do need help, lady ... there is so much more to be gained from life and healthy relationships with your family than there is to lose from standing your ground and gaining 'respec' (at least in your eyes) ... God forbid one of your kids get killed tomorrow and you'll have to live the rest of your life knowing you didn't do all you could to mend that broken relationship. It's not worth it ... believe me ... My kids' football coach was killed in a car accident ... he had left his home in a fight with his wife and that's the last time they saw eachother ... in a fight ... how sad. So get help ... give your counseling an honest year ... if it doesn't 'work' ... find another method (church, accupuncture, whatever) ... but do what you have to do to fix the mess your family is in. |
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Apr 17, 2007, 10:54 pm
| #33 (permalink) (top) | |
| Skeptical Patriot Posts: 7,832 | Quote:
Not a day goes by that I don't see something that reinforces my belief that people are idiots. | |
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Apr 17, 2007, 11:37 pm
| #34 (permalink) (top) |
| Volcanic Erupter  Location: Oregon Posts: 5,297 | I really wish you could attend Virtues Circles and awaken a totally new insight into your life, and how to communicate with your family members. We work with 52 virtues. There are more than 52 virtues, but we focus on 52 of them. In a circle, we each think of something that is troubling us, and then draw a card. We read the card to ourselves and then read them out loud, and say how we think the virtue we have drawn can apply to the problem we are thinking about. If you pick a number between 1 and 52 I will count through the cards until that number comes up and the post what the card says. You can than say how that virtue might apply to your concerns. This could be very interesting as we all consider how thinking of virtues changes our perspective and perhaps how we handle things. I much rather you pick the card by choosing a number, and we speak of virtues, than me judging you and your situation and speaking "my opinion". My opinion might not be so helpful. Dawn falls Eve. Enlightenment falls the darkness. |
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Apr 18, 2007, 05:17 am
| #36 (permalink) (top) |
| Volcanic Erupter Location: Oregon Posts: 5,297 | Unity "He who experiences the unity of life, sees his own self in all beings, and all beings in his own self, and looks on everything with an impartial eye.." Bhagavad-Gita 6:22 Unity is a very powerful virtue and brings with it great strength. It is a way of seeing the universe as one, designed by the One Who created us all. Unity brings harmony, like the sound of music made by the different instuments in an orchestra. When you practice unity, you value what each part brings to the whole. With unity, you can strive for harmony with your family at home and your human family around the world. Signs of Success I am practicing unity when I... Treat all people as members of one human family See the gifts in differences Refuse to join in when others express prejudice Solve conflicts though listening and finding solutions Care for the earth and all living things Act like a peacemaker wherever I go. I am part of God's universe. I appreciate differences. I do not support prejudice. I am a peacemaker. I care for the earth and all living things. Dawn falls Eve. Enlightenment falls the darkness. |
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Apr 20, 2007, 06:13 pm
| #37 (permalink) (top) |
| Sedimentary Rock Posts: 19 | My son email this reply since you all so interested in his opinons. You can see for yourselves how selfish and blinded by the money he has become. **************************************************************************** Mother: I hope you will have the decency to post my reply IN FULL WITHOUT EDITING...if not that is your problem and you can deal with the consequences. The truth will come out eventually. To Whom It May Concern: I am writing this response because my mother has informed me that she has posted our "story" on the internet and received many, many sympathetic responses to her plight. I will need to take her word for that as she was not kind enough to send me the link. I do not know exactly what she has told everyone but I would like to make it clear that we did not "abandon" our mother or keep her grandchildren from her as she likes to tell all of her friends and associates. Our parents divorced when we were very young. I personally do not remember much except for the constant fighting and arguing. Our father did not pay child support and we did not see him very often. Our mother constantly told us to go visit our father even though we did not want to go. This was because everytime we went she would drill us about what things our father was/is doing. If it was something positive, she would be enraged. The only time she was ever happy was if we said our father was out of work, or in an unhappy relationship, or miserable without her. My brother and I would make up stories to tell her so she would be satisfied. When we were teenagers, our mother decided to remarry a miserable old fart. We begged her not to as he was not kind to us. Our mother was a very attractive woman and had many men seek her attention. Two come to mind who not only were kind to her, but treated us like their own. However, she did not wish to pursue any serious relationship with these men because one man was of a different race and the other man was "too young" (3 years her junior). Instead she insisted on marrying the man who ignored us 90% of the time because he was financially stable and had a big house. He told her she would be taken care of and wouldn't have to work anymore - she was working 2 or 3 jobs at the time. Well, it wasn't long after the honeymoon when his true colors came to light. He called us "miserable baggage" and "spoilt princes". We were never allowed to have our friends over. We were never allowed to tell people about the verbal abuse that went on in the house. One time when I was 16, I was stupid enough to confide in a guidance counsellor who then confronted our mother about the verbal abuse. Our mother threatened to send us to social services if we thought we had it so hard and didn't want to live with her and our step-father. I never confided in anyone ever again. When people came to visit us, we always had to put on a big show and let everyone know how wonderful our step-father was. My brother was sick of the fascade so he left to go live with our dad when he was 16/17. I stayed on for another few years of abuse because I felt like i needed to protect our mother from our step-father. I finally left when I was 20. I had many emotional problems especially when it came to relationships. I had trouble trusting people and I was very wary of getting married. But my wonderful wife came into my life and she has helped me heal. At our wedding, my father came to me and finally spoke to me like a man. He apologized for not being there for me growing up. He wanted to make amends. I told him I forgave him and he was welcome in our home anytime. He did not visit often however. My wife and I went on to have children. Our mother was happy but absent. Even though I spent much of my teenage years babysitting our half-brother and being a mentor to him, I can count the times on one hand where my mother has been gracious enough to return the favor and babysit one of her grandchildren. Her excuses are always the same - she's too busy working and raising our half-brother to attend family functions. On the rare occasions she did attend, she made ZER0 effort to socialize and mingle with our in-laws. Everything my mother does is about saving face and putting on a show. If she is not the center of attention she is not happy. I will give her credit though - she was able to be in the same room as my father for over 5 years...5 years of peace out of 3 decades. 0ur father loved to play the lottery and one evening I received the phone call that would change our lives forever. He had won a major prize and wanted me and my brother to go with him to pick up his winnings. His only stipulation was that we don't tell ANY0NE until he had the check in his hand and put it in the bank. So we agreed to keep his confidence and travel with him. We did not know the full amount until we arrived. It was several million dollars. After we arrived back home I telephoned our mother to let her know Dad was going to be on TV that evening and to watch the news. She was furious that I wouldn't tell her what the piece was going to be about. She ignored my phone calls for 3 days. I spent the next several days helping my father set up bank accounts, do legal work, fend off news media and money grubbing people coming out of the woodwork. Our father gave me and my brother 1M each to do with as we saw fit. The very first thought we came to mind was how we could share our good fortune with our mother. It was my idea to surprise her with a nice lunch/brunch on her birthday and present her with a card with a cheque inside. We called her to make plans for her birthday but she refused to come out with us. She told us she was too busy - we sent her a card a couple days late the year before - so she was not going to rely on us and go out with us. She had made her OWN plans. I went to see her 3x before her birthday and begged her to reconsider. Each time she turned me down flat! I asked if she had congratulated our father for winning and she fumed that she would never lower herself to his level. She said out of everone in the world to win the lottery, why couldn't it have been someone else. I told her that it was better that our father won than our step-father because the stepdad would divorce her and then cash in his ticket. That is just the kind of man he is. She was furious that we would take our dad's side over her new family. She denied any abuse had ever taken place and told me I was not "honoring" my elders and being vindictive and holding onto old grudges. In the meantime, my mother treated my brother horribly. He was counting on her to do some errands and she left him high and dry at the last minute. I told my brother we best deposit some money into mom's bank account to suprise her and let her know we didn't forget about her. SHe ignored us for 3 weeks and then returned the money to us without so much as a thank you. Instead she invited us out for dinner and then proceeded to tell us a) how she wishes she never had children b) how disloyal and two-faced we are c) how blind and greedy we are d) how she spoiled us rotten with a wonderful childhood and now we repay her by abandoning her e) we're selfish rich snobs and she wants nothing to do with us Everytime I wanted to get a word in edgewise she would interject and tell me to shut up. I finally had enough and told her to shut up because I was going to finish my sentence. She flew into a rage and stormed home. I felt badly about the dinner, so I wrote her a letter and sent her some flowers. SHe returned everything and wrote on the envelope that I am a traitor and a coward and to come see her directly. I had enough abuse and then I did not speak to her for several months. Every so often I would feel guilty and call her but she always pretended she was not home. She gave us the silent treatment and refused to see any of the grandchildren on their birthdays or come for Christmas with us. Instead, she spends her days badmouthing us to everyone who will listen about what selfish, greedy, spoilt rotten sons she has...and everyone swoons to her resuce and agrees with her. My mother loves to play the martyr. We can see she has a troubled family life and needs new things - but everytime we try to help, she refuses our gifts and tells us she cannot accept them. So we have stopped banging our heads against her brick wall. I have told her several times that life is short. We love her and want her in our lives and in our children's lives. But she will not budge. She will not call unless we phone her. She will not see anyone unless we go to her. She refuses to meet us half-way or go for counselling or make ANYeffort to reconcile. I still hold out hope for her that maybe one day she will come to her senses and change. But she is a very unhappy, bitter woman who cannot revel or be glad in other people's joy. If she is not happy then noone can be happy. If an event is not about HER then she does not want to attend. My wife was devestated that she was not interested at all in the PG of our latest child. I had to apologize for my mother for not attending the shower, not calling at the birth, not visiting for months, and never having so much as a kind word to me or my wife. Mother, I just want you to know that we do love you. But you need help. SIncerely, XXXXXXXXXXXXXX |
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Apr 20, 2007, 06:42 pm
| #38 (permalink) (top) |
| The dingos!  Posts: 4,548 | His story is much more plausible. Really, you have to know what this looks like from an outsiders perspective. Go back and read through all of what you wrote on this thread - it may benefit you. You're never going to get anywhere with your sons if you keep treating them like they owe you something. |
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Apr 20, 2007, 06:45 pm
| #39 (permalink) (top) |
| 20-20 Atheist Location: Las Vegas, NV Posts: 466 | Wow. Your son is right, and I knew he was right from the first few lines. You won't give him the link because you don't want him to know that people agree with him without even knowing his side of the story! You won't give us his e-mail so that we could have a civilized discussion with him. He is right on target with what I and many others believe. You are the odd one out. You need counseling. Your sons love you enough to realize that and try to get you to go. Your actions are dispicable and unexusable. YOU are much more greedy than your sons or father. I would like to speak to your son, but I doubt you will give me his e-mail address. Even more selfish. Reality check: the world does not revolve around you. I have no sympathy for you. Your ex even tried to approach you, but you refused, because your immaturity is dominant. If you keep this up, you will die a bitter old woman, filled with hate and selfishness. Torture is the gradual elimination of emotions. |
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Apr 20, 2007, 06:59 pm
| #40 (permalink) (top) |
| Skeptical Patriot Posts: 7,832 | All I want to know at this point is, are his descriptions of the events true? His account mentions some of things you yourself have said and they seem to match. If half of your Son's story is true, especially points (a) through (e) at your dinner with them, the only impression I am left with is that you are unrealistically bitter and just plain toxic to your Son and you are attempting to spread that to others. I think you are unredeemably miserable and I'm sure you aren't really listening to the heartfelt advice others are giving you here. You seem to not want your children's love or respect and I personally feel they would be better off if you stopped playing games and got out of their lives for good. Evidently, blood relations mean nothing to you and you ought to stop communicating with any of them until you have cleaned yourself up. If your Son's account is genuine, as mothers go, you're rather sickening. Either that, or this is a put on as I first suspected, ala "lonelygirl15". Not a day goes by that I don't see something that reinforces my belief that people are idiots. |
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