59 Things A Man Should Never Do Past 30

[fushigi]

I just watched a movie, Lurking in Suburbia, that quoted this list from Esquire Magazine. As a man who recently just put the 30th notch in his age belt myself, the list really made me think.

59 Things A Man Should Never Do Past 30

1. Coin his own nickname.

2. Use a wallet that is fastened with Velcro.

3. Rank his friends in order of best, second best, and so on.

4. Hacky sack.

5. Name his penis his name plus junior.

6. Hang art with tape.

7. Hang The Scream, unless he stole it from the Munch museum in Oslo.

8. Ask a policeman, "You ever shoot anybody with that thing?"

9. Ask a woman, "Hey, you got a license for that ass?"

10. Skip.

11. Take a camera to a nude beach.

12. Let his father do his taxes.

13. Tap on the glass.

14. Shout out a response to "Are you ready to rock?"

15. Use the word collated on his resume.

16. Hold a weekly house meeting with roommates.

17. Name pets after Middle Earth characters.

18. Jokingly flash gang signs while posing for wedding photos.

19. Give shout-outs.

20. Use numbers in place of words or locations, such as "the 411" for information, or "the 313" for Detroit.

21. Hug amusement-park characters.

22. Wear Disney-themed neckties.

23. Wake up to a "morning zoo."

24. Compare the trajectory of his life with those of the characters in Billy Joel's "Scenes from an Italian Restaurant."

25. Request extra sprinkles.

26. Air drum.

27. Choose 69 as his jersey number.

28. Eat Oreo cookies in stages.

29. Volunteer to be a magician's assistant.

30. Sleep on a bare mattress.

31. End a conversation with "later skater."

32. Hold his lighter up at a concert.

33. Publicly greet friends by shouting, "What's up, you whore?"

34. Wear Converse All Stars with a tuxedo.

35. Propose via stadium Jumbotron.

36. Decide anything based on the ruminations of Howard Stern.

37. Call "shotgun" before getting in a car.

38. Dispute someone else's call of "shotgun."

39. Whine.

40. Mist up during Aerosmith's "Dream On."

41. Purchase fireworks.

42. Google the word vagina.

43. Ride a pony.

44. Sport an ironic mustache.

45. Hit 13 against a 6.

46. Organize a party bus.

47. Say "two points" every time he throws something in the trash.

48. Buy a novelty postcard in another country of topless women on a beach and write, "Wish you were here" on it.

49. Keg stands.

50. Purchase home-brewing paraphernalia.

51. The John Travolta point-to-the-ceiling-point-to-the-floor dance move; also that one from Pulp Fiction.

52. Put less than ten dollars' worth of gas in the tank.

53. Keep a minuscule amount of marijuana extremely well hidden.

54. Read The Fountainhead.

55. Watch the Pink Floyd laser light show at a planetarium.

56. Refer to his girlfriend's breasts as "the twins."

57. Own a vanity plate.

58. Whippits.

59. Say goodbye to anyone by tapping his chest and even so much as whispering, "Peace out."

[Jimmy the Pro]

(Extra Ones)

60. Grinding

61. Purchasing 1 or more colorful breakfast cereals

62. Getting a Facebook or other online blog

63. Requesting comments on his/her pictures on the online blog

64. Speaking in Web 2.0 language such as "newb" "lol" "rofl" and "OMG"

65. Getting a facelift

[ZNFYRH]

66. Repeat the legendary line from Dazed and Confused...
"I keep gettin' older, they stay the same age."

[Jack]

What, people over 30 can't have fun anymore? Phooey. I'm going to act like the kid I am inside until I drop. And with my extra 20 years of experience, I can get down with so much more style than the under-30 crowd. You youngsters are just trying to keep all the fun to yourselves.

[ZNFYRH]

Dude, you just said "get down".

No one says that any more.

[Jack]

No one says that any more.

What a bummer.

[ZNFYRH]

I should correct myself.

Only older people say it.

Though instead of saying, "I can get down" I just stick with "I'm down"

[Jimmy the Pro]

Quote by: Isherwood What a bummer.

Dont worry Ish, you're still....hip and/or happening

[Jack]

Then after 60, the phrase becomes, "Help, I've fallen and I can't get up".

[Keith Hamburger]

Personally, I have to disagree with items 41, 50 and 54.

I'm not sure I did any of the others before I was 30.

Keith

[Scribbler1]

Quote by: ZNFYRH I should correct myself. Only older people say it. Though instead of saying, "I can get down" I just stick with "I'm down"

Write down what YOU say of that type today and refer to it 30 years from now. I'll bet you still say it.

[fushigi]

Quote by: Isherwood What, people over 30 can't have fun anymore? Phooey. I'm going to act like the kid I am inside until I drop. And with my extra 20 years of experience, I can get down with so much more style than the under-30 crowd. You youngsters are just trying to keep all the fun to yourselves.

Come on, Ish, you have to admit that it's a bit creepy to see guys with wrinkles and salt-and-pepper hair doing most of the things on the list. It always reminds me of that Sting line from "Englishman in New York":

"A gentleman will walk, but never run."

[ZNFYRH]

As an example of just that point, fushigi, I've been working a contact to get backstage passes to an Evanescence concert.

That means I'd have to shave off the full beard and wear clothes that had my little bit of spare tire cortisol cushion.

Even then, I'd have to play it low-key to not make it obvious how old I really am.

[fushigi]

Quote by: ZNFYRH As an example of just that point, fushigi, I've been working a contact to get backstage passes to an Evanescence concert. That means I'd have to shave off the full beard and wear clothes that had my little bit of spare tire cortisol cushion. Even then, I'd have to play it low-key to not make it obvious how old I really am.

I don't think there's anything against engaging in chicanery to get backstage at a concert, so long as the musical artist is older than you.

In the case of Evanescence, I see the lead singer was born in '81.

Sorry buddy gonna have to cite you on that one.

[ZNFYRH]

Amy Lee?

Yeah.

It's not "chicanery" or anything. It would be legitimate. But if my contact came through, I'd have to "young down" my appearance a bit.

[fushigi]

Quote by: ZNFYRH Amy Lee? Yeah. It's not "chicanery" or anything. It would be legitimate. But if my contact came through, I'd have to "young down" my appearance a bit.

Still I'm adding "Chicanery" as #65, just because I like the sound of it

65) Chicanery

and striking Idmaniac's former #65, facelifts (is there a reason anyone UNDER 30 would get a face lift? Like, if they wanted to look like they were permanently caught in a wind tunnel?)

[Keith Hamburger]

Quote by: fushigi Still I'm adding "Chicanery" as #65, just because I like the sound of it 65) Chicanery and striking Idmaniac's former #65, facelifts (is there a reason anyone UNDER 30 would get a face lift? Like, if they wanted to look like they were permanently caught in a wind tunnel?)

I may agree with the chicanery part, however, I have to disagree about band members younger than you are, if you're a guy and the band member is female.

Hell, getting the chance to meet a hot chick, younger or older, is worth any reasonable effort.

Keith

[ZNFYRH]

Amen to that.

Amy Lee could kick me in the balls and I'd probably be happy.

[fushigi]

Quote by: Keith Hamburger I may agree with the chicanery part, however, I have to disagree about band members younger than you are, if you're a guy and the band member is female. Hell, getting the chance to meet a hot chick, younger or older, is worth any reasonable effort.

Agreed. If the band member is female, it shouldn't matter that she's younger.

But imagine Isherwood, for example, hatching some plan to sneak backstage for a Justin Timberlake concert. Just seems a bit off.

[ZNFYRH]

Ewww.

Just... eww.