Test- Are you American?

[BaconButty]

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Questionnaire:
1. You decide that your relationship with your partner is over. How do you break the news that you are leaving?
(a) Leave a tearful note on the table and slip away quietly.
(b) Calmly discuss the reasons for your decision with your partner.
© Attack them with a chair in front of a rabble of cheering pumped-up inbreeds on national television.

2. You and your mates decide to have a game of football in the park. What do you need to bring?
(a) A ball.
(b) A ball and 2 coats.
© A ball, 50 crash helmets, 4 tons of body armour, 20 cheerleaders, a marching sousaphone band with a grand piano on a trolley, and a team of orthopaedic surgeons specialising in spinal injuries.

3. You are driving along a country road when you accidentally run over a rabbit. What do you do?
(a) Stop and see how badly injured it is, taking it to a vet if it is still alive.
(b) Carry on driving, but hope it is still alive, or if not, that it died quickly.
© Strap it across the bonnet of your car and drive home hollering, whooping and throwing empty Budweiser cans out of the window.

4. You wake up in the morning with a stiff neck after sleeping in an awkward position. What do you do?
(a) Ignore it. It will probably loosen up as the day progresses.
(b) Take a couple of aspirins and get on with things.
© Take yourself to a prostitute-addicted TV evangelist faith healer in an ill-fitting wig, who will lay his hands on your head, whilst screaming about the devil in front of an audience of gibbering inbreds.

5. What do you have for breakfast?
(a) A bowl of Cornflakes, slice of toast and a mug of tea.
(b) Glass of orange juice, croissant and a cup of coffee.
© A bag of donuts with ice cream, a 32 ounce steak with six eggs sunny side-up, fifteen pancakes with maple syrup, ten waffles, five corn dogs and a diet root beer.

6. You and your partner decide to take the plunge and get married. What sort of ceremony do you have?
(a) A quiet party with a few friends in a registry office.
(b) A church service followed by a traditional reception at a hotel.
© A minute long mockery at a 24 hour drive-through chapel in Las Vegas, presided over by a transvestite vicar dressed as Elvis.

7. Your 14-year-old son is going through a difficult phase, becoming disruptive at school and reclusive at home. What do you do?
(a) Don't worry. Its just a phase and will pass.
(b) Encourage him to get out more, get involved in team sports or join a youth club.
© Take him to an armoury and buy him an arsenal of semi-automatic weapons and enough ammunition to slaughter a small town.

8. You fancy a night in watching something funny on TV. What kind of comedy do you choose?
(a) A sitcom like Fawlty Towers or Father Ted.
(b) A sketch show like the Two Ronnies or the Fast show.
© A thinly disguised morality play set in a massive lounge where the audience whoops for ten minutes every time an overpaid actor with a superglued grin on his face makes an entrance to deliver a lightweight wisecrack.

9. Whilst getting ready for bed, you stub your toe on your wife's dressing table. What do you do?
(a) Shout and swear a bit, after all, it did hurt.
(b) Make a mental note to move the table so it doesn't happen again.
© Immediately call a hotshot lawyer with an uptown reputation, and sue your wife's ass.

10. You are responsible for the USA's presidential electoral process. Do you:
(a) Count all votes and declare a winner.
(b) Count all votes and declare a winner.
© Let the press declare who's won before the votes are counted; then count only the votes which have been handed in by a deadline whilst not checking if Bud, the hillbilly sheriff of nowheres-ville, has left several thousand votes in the trunk of his Chevy 'by mistake', then force a recount of only some of the votes within just one state and allow only 12 seconds for the recount to take place; then be amazed that the recount hasn't finished by the deadline and increase the deadline by another 3.2 seconds; then ignore all votes and let 4 judges decide the result, making sure the judges all support the same candidate; then ponce around the world telling other countries how to run their own elections.



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Answers...
If you answered:
mostly (a)'s & (b)'s then you are a normal well-balanced individual.

mostly ©'s then do the world a favour and shoot yourself with the anti-tank weapon you carry in the glove-box of your pick-up truck.

[Pooeypants]

Nice joke but it's blatantly implying racism.

[Haik]

Give that man the $10,000.

[Mia]

I thought is was $25K?

[Impenitent]

Originally posted by BaconButty, -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Questionnaire: 1. You decide that your relationship with your partner is over. How do you break the news that you are leaving? (a) Leave a tearful note on the table and slip away quietly. (b) Calmly discuss the reasons for your decision with your partner. © Attack them with a chair in front of a rabble of cheering pumped-up inbreeds on national television. *but if you pick c you get to be world famous in chicago 2. You and your mates decide to have a game of football in the park. What do you need to bring? (a) A ball. (b) A ball and 2 coats. © A ball, 50 crash helmets, 4 tons of body armour, 20 cheerleaders, a marching sousaphone band with a grand piano on a trolley, and a team of orthopaedic surgeons specialising in spinal injuries. *this is good, but if you had the game in Texas you'd have to double everything... 3. You are driving along a country road when you accidentally run over a rabbit. What do you do? (a) Stop and see how badly injured it is, taking it to a vet if it is still alive. (b) Carry on driving, but hope it is still alive, or if not, that it died quickly. © Strap it across the bonnet of your car and drive home hollering, whooping and throwing empty Budweiser cans out of the window. *no, the correct answer is skin it, cook it, eat it and make a fur hat out of the pelt... (accident hah! I ran out of shoutgun shells...) 4. You wake up in the morning with a stiff neck after sleeping in an awkward position. What do you do? (a) Ignore it. It will probably loosen up as the day progresses. (b) Take a couple of aspirins and get on with things. © Take yourself to a prostitute-addicted TV evangelist faith healer in an ill-fitting wig, who will lay his hands on your head, whilst screaming about the devil in front of an audience of gibbering inbreds. *or stop letting the chick sleep with her legs on your neck 5. What do you have for breakfast? (a) A bowl of Cornflakes, slice of toast and a mug of tea. (b) Glass of orange juice, croissant and a cup of coffee. © A bag of donuts with ice cream, a 32 ounce steak with six eggs sunny side-up, fifteen pancakes with maple syrup, ten waffles, five corn dogs and a diet root beer. *the diet root beer is key, but again, double it in Texas 6. You and your partner decide to take the plunge and get married. What sort of ceremony do you have? (a) A quiet party with a few friends in a registry office. (b) A church service followed by a traditional reception at a hotel. © A minute long mockery at a 24 hour drive-through chapel in Las Vegas, presided over by a transvestite vicar dressed as Elvis. *she-Elvis? nah... Elvis weddings are cool... I wonder when massachusetts will have the first gay Elvis wedding? 7. Your 14-year-old son is going through a difficult phase, becoming disruptive at school and reclusive at home. What do you do? (a) Don't worry. Its just a phase and will pass. (b) Encourage him to get out more, get involved in team sports or join a youth club. © Take him to an armoury and buy him an arsenal of semi-automatic weapons and enough ammunition to slaughter a small town. *only after training him to be a good shot... 8. You fancy a night in watching something funny on TV. What kind of comedy do you choose? (a) A sitcom like Fawlty Towers or Father Ted. (b) A sketch show like the Two Ronnies or the Fast show. © A thinly disguised morality play set in a massive lounge where the audience whoops for ten minutes every time an overpaid actor with a superglued grin on his face makes an entrance to deliver a lightweight wisecrack. *moe, larry, curley, joe and or shemp... 9. Whilst getting ready for bed, you stub your toe on your wife's dressing table. What do you do? (a) Shout and swear a bit, after all, it did hurt. (b) Make a mental note to move the table so it doesn't happen again. © Immediately call a hotshot lawyer with an uptown reputation, and sue your wife's ass. *no you pick up the table, throw it out the window, accuse your wife of deliberately trying to kill you and then call to be a guest on the jerry springer show 10. You are responsible for the USA's presidential electoral process. Do you: (a) Count all votes and declare a winner. (b) Count all votes and declare a winner. © Let the press declare who's won before the votes are counted; then count only the votes which have been handed in by a deadline whilst not checking if Bud, the hillbilly sheriff of nowheres-ville, has left several thousand votes in the trunk of his Chevy 'by mistake', then force a recount of only some of the votes within just one state and allow only 12 seconds for the recount to take place; then be amazed that the recount hasn't finished by the deadline and increase the deadline by another 3.2 seconds; then ignore all votes and let 4 judges decide the result, making sure the judges all support the same candidate; then ponce around the world telling other countries how to run their own elections. *you forgot changing the vote counting rules a few times... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Answers... If you answered: mostly (a)'s & (b)'s then you are a normal well-balanced individual. mostly ©'s then do the world a favour and shoot yourself with the anti-tank weapon you carry in the glove-box of your pick-up truck. funny stuff

[PhanthomOps]

BaconButty:

Excellent Post!!!!!!!!! :)

Thank you for confirming I am a normal well-balanced individual, I was worried there for a minute.


Pooeypants:
Quote: "Nice joke but it's blatantly implying racism."

Pray tell, a little biased, but racism - where??


Haik:
Quote: "Give that man the $10,000."
Mia:
Quote: "I thought is was $25K?"

That is what Saddam was giving the Palestianian Suicide bomber's families to advance terrorism.

Impenitent: Very nice :) :)

[arclight]

I detect a little jealousy, about the weapons. And the trucks. Who the hell wants to drive a feminine styled Mini? I was trying to think o f some good things to say about the UK, but either I need to drink more coffee or there really just aren't any, and all the useful English people and things ended up in the US. Hmmmm? You can have that Simon Cow whatever guy back though...

An American is defined as a U.S. citizen that pledges allegiance to the Constitution, renounces any allegiance to any foreign country and or King of a foreign country.
Allan

[Mia]

In your opinion.

No, not my opinion, but according to the Law that rules U.S. governments, the Constitution, and the immigrant oath to become an American.

Dual citizenship is illegal-unconstitutional and therefore anti-America/American
Allan

[Pooeypants]

Originally posted by PhanthomOps, Pooeypants: Quote: "Nice joke but it's blatantly implying racism." Pray tell, a little biased, but racism - where??

From what I can gather, he's advocating that option C, the prejudices, to hold true and then when you get to bottom there's something about blowing yourself up.

I guess you don't mind it then *shrugs*

[PhanthomOps]

Allan:
There is much more to being an American. Duel citizenship is recognized by some countries. Even though a person from England takes the American oath, Britain still recognizes them as an English citizen.


Pooeypants:
Oh, I see now - thanks for clearing that up - and I do not advocate racism, as it's one of the major reasons why peoples fail to see the good in others, and act as stupidly as they do.

Dual citizenship is repugnant to the Constitution and America, the Republic, therefore illegal in the U.S.
Allan

The Preamble

We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.
* more perfect Union (than the Articles of Confederation, then in existence)
* establish (to set up; found)
* justice (fairness)
* insure (cause confidence in, [not force])
* domestic (indigenous to a particular country [these 50 States])
* provide (furnish; supply)
* common (relating to the community as a whole; public)
* defense (act of defending against attack, danger, or injury)
* promote (endorse and encourage, [not provide for or give])
* general Welfare,(common [not individual] prosperity)
* secure (guard from danger or risk of loss)
* Posterity (future generations)
* ordain (order by virtue of superior authority; decree or enact)
* Constitution (the system of fundamental laws and principles that prescribes the nature, functions, and limits of a government [note: of a government, not of the people])
* for (on behalf of)

1.. The Preamble to the Constitution, names the parties who are creating the document: We the People of the States who will ratify / approve this Constitution;
2.. Lists the reason for creating the document:
3.. To form a more perfect union than existed under the Articles of Confederation;
4.. To insure domestic tranquility, or stop the squabbling that was occurring between the States in regards to their individual duties to the Confederacy;
5.. To provide for the common defense, to allay fears of foreign invasion;
6.. To promote, the general welfare; and
7.. To secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity.
8.. It should be noted, that all of the above causes for restructuring the Confederacy are specifically for the United States of America. There is no provision for any other nation or nation's people, to be the recipients of our generosities or responsibilities;
9.. Gives the end result of these desires:
10. We the people ordain and establish the Constitution for the United States of America; for the new union; for the new federated "government."
11. NOTE: It is important to remember that the people are recognized as having the superior authority, and the people are agreeing to authorize a defined, limited form of government, not the formation of a new Nation, to perform certain acts on the behalf of the people. The States were to remain 13, (now 50) separate Nation/States.
12.. This Constitution makes no demand whatsoever upon an individual, non-government, private citizen.

[PhanthomOps]

Allan:
As repugnant as it may be to some, it is a fact of reality.

Oh, and by the way, I have complete copies of the Declaration of Independence, the Bill of Rights, and the Constitution of the United States of America. So if you wish, you can point me to a specific reference, and I can look it up rather than you feeling you have to post the document as a reply. :) :)

Bacon,

Thank you. You almost made me snort RC cola through my nose while eating my moon pie and watching the advertisement for professional wrestling shown during the monster truck rally on tv.

Hilarious.

[Pooeypants]

Originally posted by PhanthomOps, Allan: There is much more to being an American. Duel citizenship is recognized by some countries. Even though a person from England takes the American oath, Britain still recognizes them as an English citizen.

For some strange reason, you can't be English, only British. Sure you can put down Scottish, (N) Irish or Welsh, but the official forms will only recognise British and not English. No idea why, came up during the last census.

[PhanthomOps]

StoneWT:

Please don't choke too much, we need you and your imput. :)

Well, I spilled some cola on my best pair of torn overalls and ruined them. What am I supposed to wear when I walk Bertha Faye, the blue ribbon tri-county area pig?

[Mia]

Originally posted by Pooeypants, Nice joke but it's blatantly implying racism.

Not if it were correctly titled. It looks like it should be "Are you a Redneck?" I don't know why he made it "American". That was wrong...but it's not on the redneck thing! I laughed out loud.

Mia,

I vacationed in Holland. We have a Rambo, redneck-type reputation. A Sylvester Stallone 'Rambo' puppet is frequently used to symbolize the US.