How to Find a Wife Biblically

[Son of Belial]

Since the other thread I started made people so happy, here's another.

Are you lonely? Getting old? Think you'll never find the right woman to cook your dinner and bare your children? Well, the Bible has all the answers, my friend! Bruce from ExChristian.net let us all in on God's own tricks to finding that special someone.

1. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours.
(Deuteronomy 21:11-13)

2. Find a prostitute and marry her.
(Hosea 1:1-3)

3. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.
Moses (Ex 2:16-21)

4. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal.
Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)

5. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife.
Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)

6. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you.
Adam (Gen 2:19-24)

7. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a wife.
Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)

8. Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife. David (I Samuel 18:27)

9. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative, of course.)
Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)

10. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest.
Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)

11. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ... woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me."
Samson (Judges 14:1)

12. Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though).
David (2 Samuel 11)

13. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea; it's the law.)
Onana and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)

14. Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity.
Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)

[Kite]

#6 and #10 seem to be the best way to go. #8 seems to be the one to avoid. Good post. Nice to see some humor in all this dire stuff.

[Son of Belial]

The Bible actually has a lot of moment of humor, but a lot of it is jokes in the original language that we don't quite "get" now. Some of it is puns, some of it is sarcasm.

[Lilith]

Keep up the good work Son of Belial, I'm lovin' it. :)

[Son of Belial]

I only wish I had written these. Maybe tomorrow I'll post something I actually wrote.

[Compugasm]

1. It rubs the lotion on it skin, or else it gets the hose again.
2. They make more in one night, than I do in a whole week.
3. They don't call me "the geyser" for nothin ya know.
4. Throw in two goats, and you got yourself a deal my friend!
5. Tupperware parties yeild good results.
6. More than #2?
7. See #2
8. How about a nice wallet?
9. See #5
10. It's good to have realistic, achievable goals.
11. See #10
12. As long as my dog says it's ok.
13. Why wait? See #12 (or #8).
14. Well, ya still gotta check their teeth and make sure they aint got chiggers.

I only wish I had written these. Maybe tomorrow I'll post something I actually wrote.

I thought you were gonna make your own religion? All you have to do, is quote yourself. Like "Son of Belial (Artemis 14:5)" See, it's that easy. You can even use my Avatar to represent evil. Smiling green worms, are a ruse.

[Son of Belial]

Actually me and a friend did create a religion called Bubuism at one point. I can't remember the details, but I remember there was an evil koala who disrupted the creation at the magical palm tree(maybe it was a coconut tree). I forget what we worship, but we have a vendetta against the "damn, dirty Dutch."

[Chris]

I heard on Thursday's Dr. Karl on Triple j that in around 300AD they eliminated all the books of the bible that were written by women. And also got rid of a shed load of books of the bible.

Goes to show you you shouldn't follow the bible word for word. He also went on to say that the bible says if a women wears clothing of two fabrics, she is an abomination to the lord and should be stoned to death.

loads of other crazy Bible laws as well.

[Son of Belial]

The Bible says wearing clothing of two fabrics is a sin, regardless of gender. As for gender of writers, there were the P and J manuscripts, and many believe one of them was written by a woman. Those two are sort of stitched together in the Bible. This is where some of the contradictions come from, the J and P narratives stitched and spliced.

[Chris]

I think I remember Dr. Karl saying that Leviticus was written by a woman. But I may have got it wrong.

[Jack]

Are you trying to convince me that the early church refused to allow books written by women to be added to the bible?
The same church that today graciously allows woman to be either housewives or nuns?
Oh, and martyrs.

Nahhhhh...

[Son of Belial]

We don't allow Abominations to discuss the Holy Bible Isher. See your way out of the conversation plz kthnx.

[Chris]

Saw the Johnny Cash Movie Friday.

There was some bible nut (this is back in the 50s BTW) and she criticized June Carter for being divorced saying it was an abomination.

[Jack]

We don't allow Abominations to discuss the Holy Bible Isher.

Hey, we're in it. We're like cast, supporting actors. We have backstage passes.
Hell, the bible wouldn't be half the best-selling novel of all time if it weren't for our contribution.

Jesus was such a wuss.

[Son of Belial]

Someone saw a t-shirt once that said "Jesus was a pussy." He didn't buy it, though he did buy a shirt that had a crucified Jesus on it four times, facing each direction, thus making a big cross. The right arms of each Jesus was chopped off, to the whole image formed a big swastika. There were words that read "Der Antichrist."

[Clarence]

I saw a civil war boot with a foot still in it. Jesus rocks because he's obviously caucasian. And he has the best pop music. Jesus signed my Creed t-shirt.

[Walmas]

You frogot my favorite one. Rape someone then pay there bride price. Then you get to marry them. Then again that was in the torah so i dont know how its translated.

[Irene]

Whats the point of your post??? I find it somewhat amusing that people who proclaim to be anti-God, anti-bible, etc certainly do know alot about the scriptures and seem to be able to quote it just as well as any christian.

[Rave7pt0]

Irene, that's how it should be -- the people who really are anti-Bible, have the education to be so. The rebellious teenagers who fuck the establishment (dude) are just parroting a line.

[Athena]

Quote by: Rave7pt0 Irene, that's how it should be -- the people who really are anti-Bible, have the education to be so. The rebellious teenagers who fuck the establishment (dude) are just parroting a line.

When we had education for citizenship, it was well known that the only way to protect our liberty was be highly moral. This understanding did not depend on religion. It depended on education for citizenship. We are fucked today, to use your termonology, because we replaced the education we had with education for technology for military and industrial purpose and left moral training to the church. Christians who claim God as their own and even say their own kind are not Christian because of a different perspective on Christianity, and insist only Christians are moral people or can know morals, have greatly contributed to the problem that is destroying the democracy of the US. Furthermore, I have not a Christian capable of reasoning the Christian faith or explaining fundamental things like what is sin and how did eating a forbidden fruit make the sacrifice of Jesus necessary. But I shouldn't blame them as the problem is their education which did not prepared them for the independent thinking and moral judgement essential to democracy.