‘God’ on Trial—A Comedy
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Unified Discussion 'God' on Trial
‘God’ on Trial
Jehovah’s trial for crimes against humanity
begins thusly, but ends well…
“Do you, ‘God’, swearest to tellest us the whole truth
and nothing but the truth, so helpest you God?”
“What scriptures of which Bible should I swear on?
There are so many.”
“Oh. Here’s a Mormon Bible with a whole extra section
that was transcribed from the golden plates You sent.”
“I didn’t send those plates.”
“OK, let’s not worry about that now.
You are truthful, are you not?”
“I can do no evil, and that includes not lying.”
“Finally, a believable defendant. What is your full name?”
“‘God Damnit’ is what I am usually called.”
“Ha-ha, but what is your real and proper name?”
“None. I am what I am.”
“Um, any aliases, like Lord, Jehovah, Almighty, or such?”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, those are just some names
that people call me, as well as the bad names.”
“But you do exist as you are?”
“Depends on what the meaning of ‘exists’ is.”
“You know, like ‘to be’, being one that is.”
“Depends on what the meaning of ‘is’ is.”
“Is that your lawyer, Bill Clinton, sitting over there?”
“Yes, for he can get out of anything.”
“But is he going to talk endlessly in your defense?”
“No, he has been going to ‘On and on anon’.”
“Good, now, how come we can hear you but we can’t see You?”
“I am invisible, plus, you are schizophrenics.”
“Hey, no name calling, order in the court!”
“I’ll have a cheeseburger, no pickles, no onions.”
“That’s more like it. So you mean we are just hearing voices?”
“Yes. Do you remember the study that showed
that 17% percent of priests are schizophrenic,
but only 1-2% of the general population is?”
“Oh, yeah, but You’re not getting off that easily.”
“I am innocent.”
“What did You do before You Created everything?”
“I was being made Myself by Myself.”
“How did You do that?”
“OK, anyway, did you have intercourse with a teen-age virgin?”
“Hell, no, she was underage; I only date 30 billion year old women.”
“Yes, for as Mr. Always Right, I could just never find Miss Perfect.”
“So, Jesus was not Your son then?”
“No, but he was a really good guy,
but just a human telling stories that everyone expected to hear.”
“But, anyway, you are a ‘He’?”
“So they usually say.”
“Don’t You know?”
“No, for humans created Me in their own image
and with their own traits, so I suppose I am male.”
“Are You jealous of any of any other imaginary gods?”
“I am above all that lowly human-type emotion stuff.
I am Perfectly Good and absolutely totally full of Love.”
“Love is a human emotion.”
“That is the only emotion I have, for it is the ultimate one.”
“So, You never do or did any evil?”
“Depends on what ‘evil’ is.”
“Well, as in things like harming others,
except in self defense, stifling the growth of mind,
and creating false ways of living,
arbitrarily, through use of imagination…
…of what the concept of good ‘should be’,
The inverse of which gets labeled ‘evil’.”
“I am not capable of evil. I detest evil.
I would hate Myself if I did evil. It is unthinkable.
Then I would be in the category of a devil.”
“Is there a Devil?”
“No, I would not tolerate any such thing,
for then it would sway humans to sin.”
“You appear to be without fault,
but we still have to continue this trial.”
“Thank you, but I have no-fault insurance.”
“Did you murder almost everyone
on Earth with a Great Flood
But for Noah and his wife, Joan of Arc?”
“Heck no, human nature is exactly
the way it is supposed it to be, as is.
What do you think!
‘God’ is not a big fat goof,
that is, if He was involved.
He doesn’t make mistakes.”
“Some say that God invented the rainbow
to proclaim that He had made a mistake,
claiming that He would never do it again.”
“Preposterous. Rainbows are an optical effect.”
“Do You ever do anything wrong?”
“I can’t. I am all Love.”
“Did You give too much love, perhaps?”
“Yes, I give near infinite amounts,
but there’s nothing wrong with that.”
“What was the purpose of having dinosaurs around
for 650 million years, then extincting them, via asteroids?”
“Just playing around; actually, I had nothing to do with it.”
“What was the Intelligent Design in this?”
“There wasn’t any, for God does not exist. Can I go now?”
“No, we know about that nonexistence trick.
Whose side are you on in football games?”
“I don’t take sides or play favorites.”
“Then where do humans get all these ideas about You?”
“You know humans; they just make things up.”
“Is there Purgatory, such as on sulfurous Venus”?
“Of course not; God made human nature to be what it is.”
“Is there a Hell, like maybe in the heart of the sun?”
“No, there is no Hell.
I wouldn’t torture my beloved creatures if I were God.
Would you torture a kitten?”
“Some would, but, hey,
it is You who is on trial here, not us.
We only have our human nature
that You may have given us
and so it can often go wildly astray.”
“True, plus I am a nice Guy, the nicest ever.
I would not fill your cup to the brim with temptations
and then expect you not to spill it; I’m a giver, not a taker.
Pure love is all giving; there are no strings attached.”
“Thanks. Does our free will have to match your will”?
“Heavens no, for that wouldn’t be free will, would it?”
“How do humans come up with all these things?
They make You out to be some kind of
strict enforcer father figure type.”
“That’s it; they modeled it after the family experience.”
“Is there a Heaven?”
“Ah-ha, where is it?”
“On Earth. What more could human beings want?”
“Oh, well they want everything, and even think they are
special and above all else, some even above their own kind.”
“Nope, humans are as organic as anything in nature.
Anyone can see that. Have some humility!”
“Well, we have imagination.”
“Yes, as a gift of Nature, but that’s all it is.”
“Did You publish a book?”
“Yes, but no, for ghost writers wrote some.”
“Any movies coming out?”
“No, it would be hard to beat ‘The Dark Knight’ and ‘Avatar’.”
“Were Commandments were ever issued?”
“Love does not command; it frees.”
“So, You are innocent of all charges and plead not guilty?”
“How many times do I have to tell you. I am Absolute Good.”
“Ever tell a white lie?”
“No way, Jose. I am the Truth.”
“Ever peek at a naked person.”
“Of course, for people are made that way.
If God didn’t want it that way,
they’d be born with clothes or fur.
Some fools even put fig leaves over Eden’s artwork.”
“I must confess to You, God,
that I sometimes think of people naked.”
“No sweat, plus that’s also a way to make public speaking easier.
I am naked Myself. It’s OK.”
“Ever stick gum somewhere, when no one was looking?”
“No, for I was looking.”
“You are a saint!”
“Higher than that. I am Perfect,
at least before I got conceited about it.”
“Did You make Cosmic Jokes, like, in sexual human anatomy,
putting a toxic waste dump near a recreation area?”
“God does have a sense of humor.”
“How come You didn’t give humans everything?”
“If I gave them everything, they’d have no place to put it.”
“A dictionary has ‘everything’.”
“In a way, plus Wikipedia is useful, too.”
“How come birth certificates have expiration dates,
some even sooner than later?”
“They must, otherwise, evolution wouldn’t work.”
“Did some monkey types descend from the trees?”
“Yes, for your DNA matches theirs 98%.”
“So, evolution is true, but not you as a Creator?”
“I keep telling you, leaving signs all over the earth,
you fossil to be.”
“You don’t rule or lord Yourself over anyone?”
“Love serves; love does not rule.”
“We have witnesses to some of your crimes.”
“No one can witness Me, besides, they made all that up.”
“Likely story. Did you choose a tribe
and tell Moses to crush the other tribes?”
“Those are just ancient Jewish legends.”
“How come Moses didn’t ask for directions
when he was lost for 40 years in the desert.”
“He’s a man; they never ask.”
“Ever let someone just make it
through a developing traffic accident?”
“What! And let some other poor sap get hurt or die instead?
You don’t know Me very well.”
“So, You don’t write scripts for our human soap operas.”
“No, for truth is stranger than fiction.”
“Why are You invisible?”
“I am a figment. Have faith.”
“Belief in the invisible unseen unknown.”
“You can’t get off the hook that easily.
We can still try you in absentia.”
“I’m being very cooperative.”
“Thanks. Now, Mr. God, Sir,
Did you send a plague of locusts
to harm the welfare of humankind?”
“I wouldn’t think of it;
Harmful options don’t even surface
in my mind for consideration.”
“No lightning bolts?”
“That was Mother Nature, not me.”
“Well, as you are a self-made Man, then what stuff
did You use to make Yourself out of, plus all that is?”
“I didn’t make all that is;
I only made Myself out of the fundamental stuff available;
then I accidentally made humankind from the same stuff,
You became of some debris that I threw out.”
“So, you are not at all responsible for Mother Nature’s doings?”
“No, nor did I make the universe, for I am made of it.”
“You are not fundamental and absolute?”
“No, for a system of mind and emotion
like Mine or yours requires moving parts.
I am rather perfect, however.”
“That’s still a lofty position.”
“I am just fortunate to be as I am; I never look down on anyone less;
My talent is a given; I can’t even really take any credit.
I am just further along in evolution than you are.
Cats, too, have reached a kind of perfection for their form.”
“You evolved beyond the material plane?”
“Yes, I am pure waves and fields, and thus not seeable.
You all will get there someday, too.
I just helped you all along the path,
with only your best interests at heart.”
“We will all evolve to become like Gods, eventually?”
“You don’t interfere in our world on Earth?”
“No, for then you would miss all the fun.
Knowing everything is not really that great.”
“There would be no surprises.”
“Do you overrule all or part of reality in any way?”
“No, I’m not bossy.”
“Do you underlie all or part of reality in any way?”
“Nope, as I said, I am in this universe, and therefore of this universe;
I am just higher up the food chain.”
“So, in our terms, you are just a very powerful but loving alien.”
“That I am.
And if any hostile Ones approach me, I will defend Myself.”
“Thanks, for that may help us, too.”
“True, but you are all completely free to be and do.”
“How come You allow/give this to us?”
“It’s the greatest gift that Love can give.”
You seem a good Guy, but we still have a few more questions,
plus, you know, we can’t really consider any gifts
that You gave to us when we make our ruling.
I hope you understand,
for we are often approached with bribes.”
“For me it just usually says ‘Goodbye’.”
“But when it returns you might say,
‘Hey, glad to see you; I’ve missed you;
where have you been all my life?”
“You’re a fun Guy.
So, what is all this holy-holy admiration stuff
that humans do in and for your Name?”
“I don’t know; it’s really weird, isn’t it?”
“I thought You knew everything.”
“Well, by staying out of the way, I choose not to know.”
“What made the stuff that we and You are made of?”
“I’m not sure;
I only know everything from Me onwards.
That stuff could have appeared in the universe
from somewhere else, or have been here forever,
or appeared via some kind of possibility.
It is not marked as holy or unholy.”
“Well, that’s immaterial, anyway.
Back to our probe.”
“I ain’t never did anything terrible nohow!”
“Ever do anything wrong at all?”
“I threw some litter into space
because there was no where else to put it.”
“Excess atoms that then made your world.”
“Well, no harm done.”
“Do angels exist, having wings and all that?”
“No, not as humans have defined them.
Wings are useless in space; there is no air.
There are more ETs than Me, however.”
“We thought so. Is there a Bigfoot?”
“Ha, ha. Those are just hoaxes put forth
by some hicks in the southern US.”
“Isn’t ‘hick’ a bad name?”
“No, I am just describing an actual fact,
for which the word ‘hick’ is perfectly descriptive.
I have to use words that you can understand.”
“So, You’ve never been seen, and just about everything bad
that was said about You by humans is false; so, what’s left?”
“Not much, just Me as not ‘God’.”
“But You created us; you helped us along.”
“Well, in a way, but that was quite inadvertent.
You would have formed somewhere sometime anyway.
Some of my ‘trash’ formed your solar system; then you evolved.
Your population was down to less than a thousand once,
and I guess some of my good vibrations rubbed off on them
as I passed by on my way to pick up some rare elements on Pluto.
I was building a new house that could withstand all eternity.
The weather in space is always bad; it’s full of radiation of all sorts.”
“Strange weather all over the Earth, too.”
“There are many hurricanes that began
from a hint of a wisp of a breeze.”
“Mr. ET, is there way to tell the future of the weather?”
“The 2013 Farmer’s Almanac just came out.”
“So, how do we speed up evolution?”
“Takes time, but you could enhance
your own chemistry, as I did.”
“It is; I was a Jekyll and Hyde for a while.”
“Ah-ha, that’s when you committed crimes against humanity!”
“No, I was far away, plus that was 35 billion years ago.”
“Oh, but do You have an alibi?”
“No, I was all there was then, but I have pictures.”
“I don’t have then with me,
but they are very similar to those taken by the Hubble telescope.”
“You were there among those trillions of stars and galaxies?”
“Yes, but I was already semitransparent by then.”
“It would be like one of those ‘Where’s Waldo’ puzzles.”
“You’ll just have to take my Word if you cannot prove otherwise.”
“What is the purpose of life?”
“What is life?”
“You are life.”
“Is life and all really just of a bunch of
atomic spinning things of various compositions?”
“There can be no more, for that is all there is.”
“Why do we keep hoping for more?”
“Greed and having no gratitude, but,
still, you are a an amazing, sparkling billion-year product.”
“We are pretty cool when you think about it.”
“That’s all it takes to appreciate life.”
“Any other universes?”
“Sure, but many did not amount to anything;
however, I am going on vacation to a good one next week.”
“Be sure to send a post card saying,
‘Wish you were here’, that is, if there is oxygen there.”
“Will do. Lucky for you here that bacteria and plants
came about and made oxygen. Thenceforth you began as you.”
“Yes, a lucky break;
oxygen was a mere waste product from photosynthesis.”
“See, all is as it seems.
No need to invent any supernatural Intent
to blame or thank for anything.”
“All is as it did, unto us?”
“Yes, that’s why it took so long.”
“Indeed, a true God type Creator could have done it instantly,
not even needing 6 days, or getting tired on the 7th.”
“Yes, but the All is an origin, not a Creator.
The ground-state was always around,
and so there was no creation, and no Creator.”
“Yikes, then what should we do?”
“OK, good advice,
but, if we ever find that there was a Culprit Creator
Who committed some of the very crimes
that His commandments spoke against,
like murder, destruction, or hatred,
then He is really going to be toasted bread.”
“As He should be, for those acts would have been unconscionable,
especially for Someone of that high stature.”
“Thanks for your testimony. We’ll call it the Third Testament.
Your judgment day is near at hand. I’m calling a recess.”
“All please rise.”
“The court finds You not guilty on all counts,
due to lack of evidence, plus Your good nature.”
“Evidence for those like Me is not even conceivable.”
“True. Thank you everyone. Please bring in the next case.”
Austin walks in.
“Austin, did you leave the toilet seat up in a household
where there were females present?”
“Well, maybe, yes I did, but…”
“100 years of hard labor in Siberia.”