Controlling Relationships

[Zeebadee]

What can one do about a friend in a controlled environment? I have a friend that's in a marriage almost totally controlled by her husband. It's now gotten to the point where she is not allowed to make phone calls unless he is present and listens. I'm sure that if I offer advice, she'd go right to him and say, "Zeeb says that....", and repeat everything I told her. I don't want to and can't afford to get that far involved, yet I foresee disastrous consequences ahead if something isn't done. There are guns in the house, and her husband has exhibited violent temper swings. Yet, when he wants to be, he's charming and totally innocuous. I talked to a retired police officer and he advises that I just stay as far away from this as I can, there's nothing I can do. What is it with some women that they voluntarily stay in such a relationship? Disaster is on the horizon, and it seems that nothing can be done.

[Maryjane]

I tried for years to help a female friend (with four young children) in a situation like that. Her husband was one sick, twisted waste of human flesh. She and the kids ran away to my home a few times. I put her up in a hotel room once, but she kept going back to him. He alienated her from everyone to the point she had no one to go to who wasn't afraid for their own safety. Every time I saw her my stomach was in knots with worry what terrible things would happen to her next. My husband was like you, he couldn't understand why she would stay with someone like that. I finally had to tell her I couldn't help her any more unless she left him. I never heard from her again. It bothers me I didn't do more.

Why do women allow this to happen to them? Low self esteem.

[Thanatos]

Emotions are merely weapons to this kind of person.

Your friend is held in place by a combination of love and fear. They will also attempt to keep you out of the situation using fear. Emotions are weapons to this kind of person.

What you want to do is to show the victim that they don't deserve this. She probably thinks she does. She feels bad for "hurting" her love through minor slights that he responds to by hurting her much more. The best thing you can do is simply be there and remind her how relationships with sane, normal people work. It wouldn't hurt if you caught him doing something utterly unforgivable and then encouraged her not to forgive him, but that may be beyond your scope.