| This isn't a justification of anything but my own weak willpower and neuroses, but it's still the truth nonetheless.
I suffered from something called "binge eating disorder", which is like bulimia minus the vomiting, when I was a teenager. The psychology behind that isn't important, but the fact that I weighed over 400 pounds by age 16 is.
Then I discovered this new thing to do when bored, or upset, or frustrated, or depressed, or just antsy (situations that used to warrant eating massive amounts of food).
Had I not started smoking, I may have gotten over the disorder eventually, I may have conquered my demons and stopped binging, or maybe not. I guess I'll never know, but how big would I have gotten? How long would it have taken? Would I ever have been able to lead a normal life?
Now, I continue to smoke for several reasons:
--I fear that I have replaced one addiction (food) with another (nicotine) and will go back to the previous addiction if I stop smoking, and my attempts to quit have always resulted in just that. Can't smoke, eat and eat and eat and eat and...
--I am addicted. I get mean. I go through typical nicotine withdrawal in addition to this urge to consume everything edible in sight. I go into a terrifyingly dysphoric mood and every sound, every feeling, every person, every action, and every object, becomes a great annoyance. (i.e. pour a glass of water, a tiny droplet splashes out and hits your hand, the feeling of it is so repulsive and irritating that you restrain yourself from throwing the glass against the nearest wall... or human face)
--If I continued binge eating I would probably be so fat that I would be bedridden and unable to leave my house. I would die young from heart failure or something to that effect, and my entire adult life would be miserable. Even if I simply stayed as big as I was, my life would be much less enjoyable because of my morbid obesity and I would still die fairly young. Instead, I'm actually pretty good looking now and I have an active and fulfilling social life. |