[Maryjane]

Maybe that is why sometimes I am happy with myself one week, and not the next... its because I am taking more responsibility for myself. (?)

A revelation indeed and exactly what I've been trying to tell my oldest (21) I don't want him doing things to make ME happy. (I'm the only one that can do that) I want him to take responsibility to make HIMSELF happy! My middle son (19) on the other hand, self sacrifices for others (often his brother) to the point people take advantage of his good nature. I'm trying to teach him to recognize manipulation and not turn him into a cynic in the process. I guess I'm getting through to him? He and his brother had their first physical fight a few months ago, the younger one learned to assert himself and the older one learned boundaries. (side note...this is when I miss their Dad the most)

Well you being 47 your stress levels definitely oust mine. It appears like you have had major additions to reasons FOR being stressed and depressed. It also appears like you are accepting them and overcoming them... which is amazing in itself. Sorry about your husband - and your dog's current state (I can relate to that one). This just proves that whether it is physical reasons, or mental reasons, everyone has reasons to go through stages of... (?) inner peace and happiness (?).

I really don't have a lot to complain about other than wanting my old life back. (thanks for the condolences) Knowing the kids are happy, self sufficient, and if anything should happen to me, they will be ok, is my main goal right now for inner peace. I'm trying to figure out what makes me happy? LOL....funny, you mentioned buying a new truck.(now there's a responsibility!) I've back burnered getting an old CJ7 for two years, had one in my early 20's, but had to get rid of it when son 2 came along. I can't justify it right now till I get everything else straight, priorities yanno?

Smoking GIVES me motivation. With my family history though, I try not to let any drugs takeover my life - therefore I am not high more than I am sober. This week is a good week... I bought a new truck, I have ambition to accomplish tasks, yadda yadda yadda. Looking back on the last 6 months though, next week I'll probably be the opposite. After reading your posts, Nono and Maryjane, I feel better about it now. So thanks... you've helped me more than you know.

Heh...Oh I know about smoking, motivation, staying sober. I never turned to drinking as a way to cope, too many responsibilities and I don't like the out of control feeling I get with alcohol. On the other hand, my two oldest just found out I occasionally partake, they were totally clueless That was a funny conversation. I had to remind them of all those times they would come downstairs in the morning to find the furniture rearranged and the house totally cleaned.

4 years of working third shift and trying to get a college degree literally fried my brain. Now I just want a nice garden with tomatoes and good health to spend time with my son.

Hang in there Shawmutt....I have to agree with Nono, life gets good again mid 30's, early 40's. Just take care of your health! (er...does the wife fit in that picture?)

Meditation kill stress, clear the mind and thus help to sleep better. Let's do meditation.

That's why I enjoy working in the yard and projects around the house. I haven't figured out how to sit and do nothing to clear my mind, I'm a hands on kinda person.

I'm glad you feel better Triad. I do too, thanks for the OP and letting me ramble. Life is a roller coaster... for all of us. Only thing I can add is if you find yourself not wanting to do the simple things (brushing your teeth, getting out of bed, taking a shower) seek help. We all deserve to be lazy every once in a while but those are sure signs of depression.