[Chris]

I heard this on one of the podcasts I listen to. I thought it was hilarious:

blog post

disclaimer: words may cause offense

See, for our international listeners, we’ve got a problem in America called “Red States Vs. Blue States.” This was coined in the 2000 election when all of the major networks color-coded their big election maps. Red States voted for Bush, Blue States wanted the other guy. We’re not going to get too deeply into the difference between the two types of States. Suffice it to say that we’re different. Blue States like cappuccino, Red States like black coffee. Blue States like art and museums, Red States like monster truck rallies. Blue States love to try new foods, listen to different types of music, experience new things. Red States still lynch Black people every now and then. Blue States ask: “What are you reading?” Red States ask: “Why are you reading?” But we’re not talking about the differences themselves, what we’re talking about is the sheer existence of differences. See, Blue Staters look around and say, “Hey, we’re all different. Cool. Welcome to America, try the soup.” Red Staters look around and say, “Fuck, I hate that people are different from me. Why can’t we all be the same? And what kind of soup is it? Gazpacho? What the fuck is that, one of the Marx Brothers?” Because in America, we have very large expanses of land that are populated by very few people. If you look at one of those Red State/Blue State maps, almost every place that voted red is in an area where there just aren’t a lot of people. And the people that are there tend be well… cut from the same cloth. Oh, fuck it, I’m just gonna say it. They’re White and Christian. And when you live in a very, very large place, and you drive around for miles, and you only see people who are a lot like you, well, your perspective starts to get kind of screwed up. See, if your entire experience is the huge prairies of Kansas, you’re gonna start to think that that’s all there is to the country, because Kansas is huge. And you’ve got every grade-school textbook telling you how great America is, and well, your experience of America tends to be pretty homogeneous. And no, homogeneous is not a word describing “American Beauty” director Alan Ball, or a word describing gay milk. It means that everything looks the same. So now, you’ve grown up thinking that A) America is awesome (which it is) and B) America is what you see every day (which it ain’t). And then, you hear about these far off places like New York, Los Angeles, Philadelphia, Boston, San Francisco. And what little you know about them tells you one thing: those people aren’t like me. And the logic board in your brain skips a circuit, because your next thought is, “Those people aren’t Real Americans.” And that’s right around the time you start fucking up the country. That, my friends, is the biggest difference between Blue States and Red States. In the Blue States, we think that only one thing is required to be an American, and that’s citizenship. And no, this isn’t some lecture on the merits of multi-culturalism or any shit like that. In fact, it’s just the opposite. I don’t give a fuck about culture one way or the other. It’s about understanding that America is a system - not a culture. Yes, the Nascar nation is PART of America, but so is Lucha Libre Mexican wrestling, wine tastings in Napa valley, and porno bookstores in seedy neighborhoods. Mmmmm…. seedy neighborhoods… But what I hate is the jingoist, All-American flag-waving bullshit that comes packaged up with the crap Nashville spews out, like somehow, Country is “America’s Music.” Guess what? Country is folk music from Europe, blended with blues. It wasn’t invented whole cloth by some shit kickers in Missouri. Know what the only pure form of American music is, Red Staters? The only music that can lay almost all of its foundations here in the USA? Yeah, it’s Jazz. And it sure as hell wasn’t invented in Oklahoma. Which brings me to my big point. All the trappings of American history. The flag, the revolutionary war, the founding fathers, etc, etc. Guess where they were from? That’s right. New York, Boston, Philly. I’m pretty sure the Liberty bell isn’t in Topeka, and Paul Revere’s House isn’t in Omaha. Because those Blue States that you despise as not being the “Real America?” Yeah - America was born there, fucker. If your State wasn’t brought into the union until after the civil war, you don’t get to lay some exclusive claim to being “Real America.” Is your State less than 150 years old? Eat this, assholes… Boston’s coming up on 375. But see, I’m not going to say that all the Blue States are “Real America” either. You know why? Because fundamentally, that’s the difference between us and you. We’re okay with you being different from us. We know we’re gonna pick on each other and make fun of you, and occasionally laugh at some of the stupid shit you do. But we’re not gonna tell you you’re not part of the family. You’re like our retarded little brother, and the family wouldn’t be the same without you, even though there’s not a chance I’m letting you out of your room when my prom date shows up. And when you and your other retarded friends all hang out together, and you don’t want me around, that’s cool. I’ll be out back… reading.