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BaconButty · May 19, 2004, 07:40 am

Paris and London are the two favourites in the bid to host the 2012 Olympics. Here's a description of the 5 finalists bidding to host the 2012 Olympic games -

1) Paris - Appears to be the favourite with the bookies. Could this be because the wives of some IOC members fancy a bit of shopping? Of course not!

NEW EVENT - "Le Snickers." Competitors have to mince along for 26 miles with their nose in the air while drinking a cup of coffee as they affect disdain for "inferior cultures."

OPENING CEREMONY - Comedy Germans in World War II uniforms goosestep around the stadium. The whole country then stands to attention as a huge white flag is unveiled.

OLYMPIC FLAME - Lit by Sacha Distel by satellite from his holiday home in Australia.
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2) New York - America has staged two of the last five Olympics (Los Angeles in 1984 and Atlanta in 1996). Only fair, then, they should get another go with New York. If the IOC says no, the "Good Ole USA" will probably invade somewhere and drag us into it - again.

NEW EVENT - Middle-distance drive-by shooting.

OPENING CEREMONY - A procession of Texan rednecks in George W Bush masks re-create the Monty Python "Upper Class Twit of the Year" sketch.

OLYMPIC FLAME - Inflammable Woody Allen, 77, is fired from a cannon into a torch held aloft by the Statue of Liberty.
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3) London - The second-favourites. Surely the perfect bid for Britain's Olympic bid. It has Europe's worst traffic congestion, not one single decent stadium and next to no sporting prowess. Let's face it, only one London football team has won the Championship since 1962. The best thing to come out of it is, and always has been, the M1 motorway.

NEW EVENT - Synchronised Fuel Protesting in Fulham and Chelsea.

OPENING CEREMONY - Sir Ken Livingstone carried into a half built Wembley stadium on a litter constructed entirely of platinum and the most precious jewels in the world - all paid for by the British taxpayer.

OLYMPIC FLAME - As most other normal nations do it.
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4) Madrid - Less chance than a drowning David Baddiel (a British comedian) has of being rescued by a group of lifeguards had they ever read anything he'd written, or seen anything he'd performed. If Gary Neville (a British "soccer" player) was in there at the same time, they would rescue him first.

NEW EVENT - The Most Expensive Flop. It's a bit like the Fosbury Flop, but it also involves playing for Real Madrid.

OPENING CEREMONY - Hundreds of cards held up by the crowd to spell out: "Sorry about that Franco thing."

OLYMPIC FLAME - Probably provided by ETA, but not necessarily in the right place at the right time.
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5) Moscow - Unhappy at America for failing to turn up and ruining the last Olympics they hosted in 1980. Post-Soviet Russia now gives the Yanks another chance to get it on.

NEW EVENT - The Boris Yeltsin Vodka Decathlon - drink ten bottles of vodka and still attend to matters of state.

OPENING CEREMONY - A re-creation of a Stalinist show trial. To lighten the mood there would be a principal boy played by a lovely young lady with a full moustache and wearing thigh-high boots.

OLYMPIC FLAME - Lit by President Roman Abramovich (who isn't the President at the moment but is the millionaire owner of British "soccer" team, Chelsea.) He would light it with one of those gas ring lighters you can still get in Kwik Save for £3.99p.

May 19, 2004, 07:40 am	#1 (permalink) (top)
BaconButty Igneous Magma Posts: 156	Paris and London are the two favourites in the bid to host the 2012 Olympics. Here's a description of the 5 finalists bidding to host the 2012 Olympic games - 1) Paris - Appears to be the favourite with the bookies. Could this be because the wives of some IOC members fancy a bit of shopping? Of course not! NEW EVENT - "Le Snickers." Competitors have to mince along for 26 miles with their nose in the air while drinking a cup of coffee as they affect disdain for "inferior cultures." OPENING CEREMONY - Comedy Germans in World War II uniforms goosestep around the stadium. The whole country then stands to attention as a huge white flag is unveiled. OLYMPIC FLAME - Lit by Sacha Distel by satellite from his holiday home in Australia. ------------------------------------------------------------- 2) New York - America has staged two of the last five Olympics (Los Angeles in 1984 and Atlanta in 1996). Only fair, then, they should get another go with New York. If the IOC says no, the "Good Ole USA" will probably invade somewhere and drag us into it - again. NEW EVENT - Middle-distance drive-by shooting. OPENING CEREMONY - A procession of Texan rednecks in George W Bush masks re-create the Monty Python "Upper Class Twit of the Year" sketch. OLYMPIC FLAME - Inflammable Woody Allen, 77, is fired from a cannon into a torch held aloft by the Statue of Liberty. -------------------------------------------------------------------- 3) London - The second-favourites. Surely the perfect bid for Britain's Olympic bid. It has Europe's worst traffic congestion, not one single decent stadium and next to no sporting prowess. Let's face it, only one London football team has won the Championship since 1962. The best thing to come out of it is, and always has been, the M1 motorway. NEW EVENT - Synchronised Fuel Protesting in Fulham and Chelsea. OPENING CEREMONY - Sir Ken Livingstone carried into a half built Wembley stadium on a litter constructed entirely of platinum and the most precious jewels in the world - all paid for by the British taxpayer. OLYMPIC FLAME - As most other normal nations do it. ------------------------------------------------------- 4) Madrid - Less chance than a drowning David Baddiel (a British comedian) has of being rescued by a group of lifeguards had they ever read anything he'd written, or seen anything he'd performed. If Gary Neville (a British "soccer" player) was in there at the same time, they would rescue him first. NEW EVENT - The Most Expensive Flop. It's a bit like the Fosbury Flop, but it also involves playing for Real Madrid. OPENING CEREMONY - Hundreds of cards held up by the crowd to spell out: "Sorry about that Franco thing." OLYMPIC FLAME - Probably provided by ETA, but not necessarily in the right place at the right time. --------------------------------------------------- 5) Moscow - Unhappy at America for failing to turn up and ruining the last Olympics they hosted in 1980. Post-Soviet Russia now gives the Yanks another chance to get it on. NEW EVENT - The Boris Yeltsin Vodka Decathlon - drink ten bottles of vodka and still attend to matters of state. OPENING CEREMONY - A re-creation of a Stalinist show trial. To lighten the mood there would be a principal boy played by a lovely young lady with a full moustache and wearing thigh-high boots. OLYMPIC FLAME - Lit by President Roman Abramovich (who isn't the President at the moment but is the millionaire owner of British "soccer" team, Chelsea.) He would light it with one of those gas ring lighters you can still get in Kwik Save for £3.99p. NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.